Jem still thought about Céline Montclaire, too. If he hadn’t been a Silent Brother, with his heart turning to stone in his breast, perhaps he would have understood how much trouble she was in. Perhaps he could have found a way to help her.

He didn’t call Céline Jace’s mother, because Jem had seen how Jace looked at Maryse Lightwood. Maryse was Jace’s mother.

Many years ago, when Jem was still a child, his uncle Elias had come to the London Institute and offered to take him away. “After all,” he’d said, “we are family.”

“You should go,” Will had said stormily to Jem. “I don’t care.”

Will had slammed the door on his way out, declaring he was off on a wild adventure. After Elias departed, Jem had found Will sitting in the dark in the music room, staring at Jem’s violin. He’d sat down on the floor beside Will.

“Entreat me not to leave thee, idiot,” Jem had said, and Will had put his head down on Jem’s shoulder. Jem had felt him trembling with the effort not to laugh or cry, and known Will wanted to do both.

Blood was not love.

But Jem didn’t forget that Céline had never had the chance to be Jace’s mother. Life was full of broken hearts and missed chances, but Jem could try to redress some of the wrong done Céline by the world. He could do his best for Jace.

Alec was studying Jem intently.

“I won’t tell Jace,” he said. “Not yet. Not if you tell him soon.”

“I hope I will,” said Jem.

“Can I ask you something?” said Alec abruptly. “The Buenos Aires Institute is corrupted, and the Cold Peace is fraying our bonds with Downworlders. You could do a lot of good, if you were with us. Why did you stop being a Shadowhunter?”

“I am with you,” said Jem. “Do I have to be a Shadowhunter to be that?”

“No,” said Alec. “But I don’t understand—why you don’t want to be one anymore.”

“Don’t you?” Jem asked. “You have a parabatai. Once, so did I. Can you imagine fighting without him?”

Alec was holding on to the doorframe, and as Jem watched, his knuckles went white.

“I have Tessa, so I have more joy every day than some do in their whole lives. Far more than I deserve. I have seen the world with my wife by my side, and we have our tasks to make life meaningful. We all have different ways to serve. She has the secrets from the Spiral Labyrinth, and I those of the Silent Brothers, and we have combined our knowledge and saved lives that I believe couldn’t have been saved by any other means. I do want to help, and I will. But not as a Shadowhunter. I will never be that again.”

Alec looked at Jem, those blue eyes wide and sorrowful. He looked like Will, but he wasn’t Will, any more than Jace was. None of them could ever be Will.