In her bedroom, R kept an antique school desk with a shutting lid where I sometimes made her write lines like I will keep the ginger in my butt until Daddy takes it out.

The record player was playing Cat Stevens. I returned the needle to its stand. A white curtain blew out from the window.

In some normal intimate relation, I might have laid out my whole project of hexing Aiden and being summoned by the Operatrix and then feeling bad about everything, but I knew that all she wanted was for me to spank her in the shape of her dreams and then fuck her with my longest black dildo.

“Before I blindfold you, little girl, I want you to do something.”

I pulled my T-shirt over my head and slid down my workwear-inspired pants and polka-dotted underwear. She wasn’t blindfolded yet and I watched her watching me, becoming famous to myself by the sheer force of her celebrity.

“Daddy wants you to suck his dick.”

Usually I waited until after punishing and fucking her to put my little dick in her mouth, but today was different.

We’d gone far enough that I didn’t need to add, “If you are comfortable doing this,” because she could always mutter “Eagle” in a sarcastic way that I would later punish her for.

“Okay, Daddy.”

“Get down on your knees.”

The desire between us was solid. Furniture could be made out of it. We’d both carved fantasies for ourselves, and when we were together we stepped into them, one aspect of childhood I never thought would come true—that you could step inside a fantasy, not like at Disney World, where everyone exuberantly goes out of their way to create an illusion, but further, the taking away of illusion, the illusion that we were rational creatures, somehow above a dick in an ass, a slap of pleasure, long skeins of skin.

She started sucking and I grabbed her head and pulled it closer. She made a deep grunt of either pleasure or disgust. I had to remind myself that she enjoyed this, that I hadn’t transformed into a cis-monster.

“Suck Daddy’s cock, that’s it.” A drop of her pussy-wetness landed on my feet. “You’re going to get another spanking for being so dirty while sucking Daddy’s cock,” I said.

She moaned and I pressed myself farther into her mouth, and the blow job was much better than when, before transitioning, I’d have partners suck my clit, the endless lesbian sex where one person did all the work, or both people were trying to please each other, and it always felt like a food co-op work schedule, from 4:00 to 4:05 Pen sucked Reed’s clit, from 4:05 to 4:15 Pen used a dildo on her, from 4:15 to 4:20 Reed said, “Enough, can I do something for you,” from 4:20 to 4:30 Pen pretended that Pen was not bored when Reed started licking all over Pen’s body, thighs, shoulders, etc.