What follows are sort-of snapshots of Portland. A sort-of photo album of the moment. From ax murders to penguins with a shoe fetish. From underground opium dens to riding fire engines to live sex shows. These are the stories you won't find in any official Portland history book. From rampaging Santa Clauses to the Self-Cleaning House. Here s just the tip of the Portland, Oregon, iceberg. Myths. Rumors. Ghost stories. Recipes. What follows is a little history, a little legend, and a lot of friendly, sincere, fascinating people who maybe should've kept their mouths shut.

In between the people to meet and places to go, you'll find postcards. These aren't from places so much as from specific Portland moments.

My first apartment, for example, there on Barbur Boulevard. Within a month, one roommate got his third drunk driving arrest and fled to Seattle to avoid doing jail time. The other roommate fell in love with a Swedish woman who gave him a gold coke spoon with a ruby chip in the handle, and they went off to get married.

My three lives were messenger-dishwasher-stoner until the night two men robbed Jonah's seafood restaurant. They have pillowcases over their heads and sawed-off shotguns and make me press my face into the parking lot until my forehead is one big purple bruise. The restaurant owner wants me to double the amount stolen when I tell the police so he can turn a big profit on insurance fraud. For once I tell the truth, and I get fired.

I give up the apartment and move into a rented room.

Still, somewhere on that steep hillside of maple trees and blackberry stickers, my tonsils are where I threw them. The wish I made was to someday be a writer.

Talk the Talk:

A Portland Vocabulary Lesson

You SAY,"OR-GAWN." I say, "OR-a-gen." Nothing-short of a California license plate—marks you as an outsider faster than how you mispronounce local words. Here's a quick guide to local slang and how to say words such as Willamette, Multnomah, and Couch.

Alimony Flats/Empty-Nest Flats: See the Pearl District.

Ban Roll-on Building: The nickname for the building at 1000 SW Broadway. With the Broadway Metroplex Theaters in its basement, the building's nickname comes from what looks like a short, pale dome on the roof.

Benson Bubblers: The nickname for the elaborate four-armed public drinking fountains on downtown streets, originally donated by lumber tycoon Simon Benson.

Big Pink: The tallest building in Portland, the forty-three-story U.S. Bancorp Tower at W Burnside Street and SW Fifth Avenue.

The Black Box: The international-style 200 SW Market Street building.

Blue Jean: The nickname for Eugene, the home of the liberal arts University of Oregon.

The Bore-egonian: A nickname for the daily Oregonian newspaper.

Choirboys Peeing: A nickname for the fountain consisting of five arcs of spurting pipe at the corner of W Burnside Street and SW Fifth Avenue. It's also known as "the Carwash."