I didn’t want to know what he was really asking, because then I’d have to really answer. Why hadn’t I captured a Mazikin to interrogate? Why had I nearly gotten myself killed? Why had I kept him in the field instead of letting him come back? Why was I such a screwup? There didn’t seem to be any safe ground between us. Every inch was laced with the mines of my mistakes and shortcomings. I fixed my eyes on his shoulder, on a tiny flaw in the stitching at his collar.

A group of guys walked by, throwing curious glances our way. I faked a smile. “We have to decide if we’re going to pretend like we’re together or not,” I said. “I’ll let you choose, but either way, I’d like to avoid drama that might distract from our mission.” My voice was robotic; I was reciting lines from a script I’d practiced this morning as I got ready.

“I don’t care about that.” His palms were flat against the wall on either side of my head. His scent, the warmth of him, both drew me in and filled me with the desperate need to escape. “I want to know what happened last night, Captain,” he said in a low voice. “Henry told me that you dove in front of an arrow to protect a Mazikin. I need to know why.”

I gritted my teeth. If I talked about my mother now, I would fall apart completely. The raw, tender wound inside my heart would break open again and leave me spilled out and ruined right in the middle of the hallway.

“I need to focus on getting through the school day, and so do you,” I snapped, staring at the now bulging tendon that joined his neck and shoulder. “I will brief you at the Guard house. Later. Now. Back. Off. Lieutenant.” The words shot from my mouth like bullets.

They hit their intended target. His hands fell away, and he drew himself up to his full height. I wanted to suck my poisonous words back into my mouth. I wanted to throw myself across the minefield, hoping he would catch me and carry me the rest of the way. I almost believed he would.

Until I saw the trembling clench of his fists.

“Yes, Captain.” He backed away slowly. “And in answer to your original question: It will be easier if we do not pretend.”

And then he walked away from me.

I set down my nearly empty tray and slid onto the bench next to Tegan, who was staring blankly at her plate of lettuce. “Hey,” I said softly. “How are you?”

“Hanging in,” she said. “They called me down to talk to Ketzler, so I got to skip lit. She thought I might be suicidal or something.”

I glanced over at her. She wasn’t wearing any makeup and looked like she might shatter. “Are you?”