“Every morning when I woke, I thought, she will be eating breakfast now, she’s in the courtyard playing now, and later I said, she’s grown up, she’ll get married soon.”

Tony had leaned forward, staring at her, but he spoke to me. “She looks sad. Does she know we’re leaving?”

“I think so.” I saw the scene with precision: my mother and I saying goodbye—embraces, write soon, I will, I will, tears. Then the images blurred. The picture of Lexington had grown darker and darker. The courtyard before me was full of sun, real. The smell of rosewater lingered in the room.

“We must leave on the next bus,” Tony said, tapping the wall with his hand. A powdery stuff came off and settled on his shirt. He began to wipe it away.

“You’ve come halfway around the world and you don’t want to see anything?”

“I do. In fact I like this town. It must have been laid out a thousand years ago and it still functions. But we have to get back. I’ve left my work in the middle and you’ve already missed so many days.”

“Still, it’s crazy to run off like this.”

I went to the window, turning away from him. How was I going to explain anything to him, the change in me?

“I’m not going back now,” I said. “Not for a while.”

“What, what for? Your job is already in jeopardy. They aren’t going to hold it for you forever.”

“I’m not sure if I want that job. I don’t think I’m cut out for it. I might want to do something different altogether.”

“All of a sudden?”

“I’ve been thinking about it.”

He began to put a few things back into his suitcase. “It’s the doctor, isn’t it?” He did not look at me. I could see anger tightening the muscles of his face.

“You know it isn’t,” I said vehemently.

“Then what are you going to do here? I don’t understand it. You didn’t want to come back for years and now suddenly you don’t want to leave. It doesn’t make sense.”

“It’s just that … I have a lot of catching up to do.”

“Well, do what you want. I’m telling you what’s good for you. The rest is up to you. I can’t drag you back. You aren’t a child, even though you’re acting like one.”

I felt exasperated, angry, helpless. Then panicky as I saw him shutting his suitcase., determined and ready to leave at any minute. I could not trust my own emotions under the circumstances. Perhaps I was brainwashed, magnifying my problems with him and at work. Perhaps the distance I felt between us was exaggerated in that environment, not quite real.

I began to cry. “I can’t bear this.”

“This is all very silly.”

“I’ve been selfish to completely forget about my mother, not even try to find her all those years, see what’s going on with her.”

“It’s she who left you, abandoned you. She’s the one who didn’t try hard enough to get you back.” His voice softened a little.