She disappeared, mind? I says to him. Half these fucking shelves are filled with her belongings.

She was a good-looking doll, Tommy says. I wouldn’t say no to an hour in a spare room at the Europa with her, know what I’m saying? Then he turns round and he looks at me, without saying a word. That’s when all the paranoia about transparency really began to kick in.

*

Me: What is a dip-so-maniac?

Tommy: A guy what can’t stop swimming in the sea.

Me: What does ‘A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss’ mean?

Tommy: That if a stone keeps moving, then moss will never be able to grow on it, obviously.

Me: Why do trees lose their leaves in the winter?

Tommy: Because all of the sap has gone back down into the ground so as that the snow won’t break the branches by being too heavy for the leaves.

Me: When was the Easter Uprising?

Tommy: 24th to 29th April 1916. Five days what shook the world. Six. Days.

Me: Where do birds hibernate in the winter?

Tommy: Bottom of ponds and rivers.

Me: In that case, how do they breathe?

Tommy: Through their gills.

Me: What is the best movie what was ever made?

Tommy: Quiet Man.

Me: What would the story of your life be called if you could write it?

Tommy: The Twelve Judases.

Me: ?

Tommy:

Me: What is the terrible date of Bloody Sunday?

Tommy: 30th January 1972.

Me: How many people were killed by the Brits on that terrible date?

Tommy: That date? Thirteen.

Me: What is the best advice anybody ever gave you?

Tommy: Trap it.

Me: Where does honey come from?

Tommy: Bees. Is that a trick question?

Me: What do you call a baby bird?

Tommy: A younker.

Me: Quick, what’s that planet up there?

Tommy: Mars. Jupiter.

Me: What is your favourite line from your man Shakespeare?

Tommy: If’n musice be the foode of love, leade on, MacDuff.

Me: When was the Battle of the Boyne?

Tommy: 1st July 1690.

Me: Who was Abraham in The Bible?

Tommy: King of the Murphs.

Me: What is the best musical ever made?

Tommy: Jolson Story.

Me: When was the Great Flood of London?

Tommy: 1066.

Me: Name your man, the poet, what led the 1916 rebellion.

Tommy: Your man Big Patty Pearse.

Me: What is the capital of Scotland?

Tommy: Glasgow. Easy.

Me: What is the best way of getting God’s attention?

Tommy: Pain.

Me: What is the animal that has the most fun, probably?

Tommy: Dolphins. After that, dogs.

Me: What is the correct term for a man what has no hairs upon his head?

Tommy: Balledosit’t.

Me: Name three paintings by your man Picatsto.

Tommy: Nowhere Known, The Face, and A Bowl of Plums.

Me: What was Christ Jayzus’s first words after he rose from the dead?

Tommy: You’re on a hiding to nothing.

Me: Does the Pope shite in the woods?

Tommy: Is a bear a Catholic?