… Dr. Howze tries to get me to write though I don’t always seem to make sense I know, the idea being that to drain the poison out or something along those lines will lessen the power of it. I’m not sure the brain drains that way, are you?

… a bad night last night. I stood at the edge of a cliff but that part was normal. I thought if I had a gun it might startle me out of my state, the thing being it would also startle me out of existence as well, perhaps not such a bad thing. Though to go there for feeling so awful here is no way to travel. Funny thing is I already feel out of existence except I live on. How I got here and how to get out cross my mind but neither is very real. My family stands on the other side, wax. They would not be waiting if they knew what was inside. Lilian thinks she understands but no one does.

… The afternoons are long white things with grey splashed over them or black ones depending. Dr. Howze is interested in my talking about our mother and looks skeptical when I tell him I don’t remember her so well and that Father and she were happy. I’ve told him to talk to you since you’re older and have more opinions and he says very doctorily he’s not interested in history but in what I think. Can you imagine there being such a doctor? Father would start a revolt.

… Lilian has gone to London to visit her aunt who will no doubt feed her steaks and cream puffs and entertain her in grand surroundings in extreme contrast to the damp thatched house in which I have landed her.

Dear Lily,