It’s funny because, like, Bob’s whole take on global warming is that we should just let it happen. LOL. I mean, he totally believes in it—like, he’s one hundred percent on board with the idea that it’s our fault and that we’re the ones causing it—but he just sort of thinks that there’s obviously nothing we can do to stop it at this point, and so we might as well let ’er rip and see where it takes us. Like, we’re obviously not even really making a dent, and so we should be preparing for the worst instead of holding on to this bullshit hope. And Bob is sort of cautiously optimistic that like, when the shit really does start hitting the fan, it’s gonna be so crazy and like, so horrible that we’ll actually take a step back for a second and rethink the whole thing—like, we’ll actually start back from square one and go: Okay, where did we go wrong last time? How can we do it differently this time?—but he’s also the first to admit that like, there’s only a small chance that’ll happen. More likely, it’ll just be a total shitshow.

When I talked to Oddvar about all this at the seed vault, his opinion wasn’t actually that different from Bob’s. I mean, he disagreed that there was nothing we could do about it, or that like, we shouldn’t at least try, but he was saying that what Bob definitely gets right is that like, most of the people who say that they’re concerned about global warming are just totally fucking full of shit or like, at the very least, just completely fucking stupid.

While Oddvar was in the middle of giving us the tour last week, I noticed that there was this giant cupboard filled with bottled water near the kitchen, and I was like, kind of joking, like: Whoa, Oddvar, I thought you guys were supposed to be all eco-friendly and shit. And Oddvar just looked at me, and he smiled for a second, and then he made that jerk-off motion in the air. You know what I’m talking about? That, like, motion, where you do a few quick jerks and then you let the jizz fly all over the room?

But it’s actually kind of nuts, because like, one of the rooms that got flooded—one of the rooms that was almost filled to the top with ice water when the permafrost melted—was the guest room where me and the boys had been staying. I’m calling it a “guest room,” but it was really just like, a closet with a few bunk beds. And, legitimately, if we had gone and visited him this week instead of last week, we would’ve been sleeping in there when the ceiling caved in and all of this ice water just started gushing in through the cracks. We might’ve actually drowned or something. I mean, it’s no fucking joke.

In his email, Oddvar was SO apologetic about it. He was just like—I don’t know, I think it’s been really eating him up inside that he put me in that kind of a situation. Like, the seed vault getting destroyed is one thing, but losing me or being responsible for my injury or my death is just not really something I think Oddvar can handle. He was saying crazy shit like: I understand if you never want to speak with me again. And: I hate myself for what I’ve done to you. And: Forget about me. You owe me nothing but scorn. And I just wrote him back being like: Whoa, Oddvar, chill out, you know? It was an honest mistake. You can’t apologize for nature. Like, yeah, you’re supposed to know more about this shit than the rest of us, but like, we’re all just ants in the grand scheme of things. We can’t control the ice. I mean, honestly, what I told him was like: If that’s how I go—if I literally get KILLED by global warming—I think I can live with that. LOL. Of all the ways I’ve imagined dying, that one’s actually pretty next-level.