“It’s not fine, though, is it? I was rude last night—yeah, I admit it—I lost it and I’m not proud of that.” And Flora had been the one person, the only person, to stand up in her corner. Izzy had been shocked. She was pretty sure Flora herself had been shocked, too. She wasn’t the type to voice strong opinions and contradict people and she’d never seen Flora and her dad disagree on anything until last night. But she’d stood up for Izzy. “Now she probably thinks I asked her kayaking on purpose to make her feel uncomfortable.”

“She doesn’t think that. If anything she seemed a bit grateful to you. Like she’d had an epiphany or something.” Aiden steadied the kayak and Izzy slid into it, feeling it wobble and bob on the water.

“Yeah, right. Her epiphany was probably that I’m a total bitch. Do you think I’m a total bitch?”

“No. Izzy, we talked about this last night. You’re allowed to blow up occasionally. Keeping all that emotion inside all the time isn’t good. Why are you beating yourself up?”

Because she felt bad, all of the time. Bad about losing her mother. Bad about upsetting her dad, and now she felt bad about Flora, too.

When she was little she’d had a comfort blanket, until her mother had decided she was too old for such things and thrown it away. Izzy had suffered sleepless nights for months afterward. Flora’s kindness the night before had reminded her of being wrapped in that warm, comforting blanket. She’d provided insulation from a cold, hard world.

The fact that Izzy had almost flung herself on her and hugged her was her secret. Thinking about how she’d almost blown it brought on a sweaty panic. She’d been so freaked out by how much she wanted to hug Flora that she’d ended up yelling. And by doing so she’d made sure that Flora would never want to hug or defend her again.

That thought upset her more than it should have done. She didn’t care about Flora, did she? She wanted her gone.

She stared at the lake, wondering what it felt like to drown. And Flora had said she’d been with her mother. Izzy couldn’t begin to imagine that. She thought constantly about what she could have done to save her own mother even though she knew there was nothing. The doctor had said she’d had a time bomb in her brain. But Flora—did Flora feel guilty for not being able to save her mother from drowning?

“Drowning wouldn’t be a good way to die.”

Aiden frowned. “Izz—”