I was swaying. Kevin tried to get a shoulder under mine, but I shook them both off, let my weight fall back against the wall and put my hands over my face. A million little flecks of light were heaving behind my eyelids. “I knew better,” I said. “I bloody well knew better.”

Nobody said anything for a while. I could feel Kevin and Jackie glancing at each other, trying to make plans by eyebrow semaphore. Finally Jackie said, “Here, I don’t know about yous two, but I’m freezing my tits off. If I go back in and get my coat, will yous hang on here for me?”

Kevin said, “Get mine as well.”

“Grand. Don’t be going anywhere, yeah? Francis?”

She gave my elbow a tentative little squeeze. I ignored her. After a moment I heard her sigh, and then the perky clip-clop of her heels heading back the way we had come.

I said, “This poxy fucking bastarding day.”

Kevin leaned against the wall beside me. I could hear his breath, puffing a little against the cold air. He said, “It’s not like it’s exactly Jackie’s fault.”

“And I should care about that, Kev. I really should. But you’re going to have to forgive me if, right this minute, I don’t give a damn.”

The laneway smelled of grease and piss. Somewhere a street or two away a couple of guys had started shouting at each other, no words, just hoarse mindless noise. Kevin shifted his weight against the wall. “For what it’s worth,” he said, “I’m glad you came back. It’s been good, hanging out. I mean, like, obviously not all the Rosie stuff and . . . you know. But I’m really glad we got to see each other again.”

“Like I said. I should care, but things don’t always pan out the way they should.”

Kevin said, “Because, I mean, family does matter to me. It always did. I didn’t say I wouldn’t die for them—you know, like Shay was going on about? I just didn’t like him trying to tell me what to think.”

I said, “And who would.” I took my hands off my face and raised my head an inch or two away from the wall, to see if the world had stabilized any. Nothing tilted too badly.

“It used to be simpler,” Kevin said. “Back when we were kids.”

“That’s definitely not how I remember it.”

“Well, I mean, God, it wasn’t simple, but . . . you know? At least we knew what we were supposed to do, even if doing it sometimes sucked. At least we knew. I think I miss that. You know what I mean?”

I said, “Kevin, my friend, I have to tell you, I really, truly do not.”