“No,” I say, stalling on purpose now. “Hey, if we had kids now, we’d only be thirty-four when they turned seventeen. That’s weird.”

“Zach, shut up and think about Maxim.”

I shut up, but I think about Sarah instead. After a few minutes of wonderful scenarios, I’m ready to begin. I drop my pants to my knees and slide the moist and slippery circle out of its wrapper. I try squinting to get one last look at the directions, but it’s too dark to see the pictures or the text. For some reason, I decide to smell the condom before putting it on, which is a bad move because the strong odor of skunked latex catches me off guard and gags me. I wonder if I’m handling an expired batch, so I make a mental note to check the expiration date when we come to a streetlight.

I hear Tank laugh.

“Just got another text,” he says. “She’s waiting for us in the pool and says to hurry. Come on, Zach. You’re supposed to wear it, not eat it.”

I don’t respond. All of my energy is devoted to the task at hand.

However, the problems continue.

Next thing I know, the lubricant is all over my fingers, and I damn near drop the condom onto the needle-covered ground. Who knew preparing for safe sex could be such a chore? Frustrated, I pull down my underwear and try forcing the thing on, but I can’t get the latex to unroll. I push and push with everything I have, but it’s like trying to cover a tree stump with a small balloon. Impossible.

“This one’s defective,” I whisper. “And it stinks.” The odor’s growing more nauseating by the second.

“That doesn’t happen,” Tank whispers back. “They all get inspected. It says so on the package.”

“Well, they missed this one. It won’t slide down.”

“Jesus, Zach, I’m glad we did this. I bet you have it inside out. It’s a common rookie mistake. I did it a couple times myself. Reverse it and try again.”

“Okay,” I say and take his suggestion.

He’s correct. The condom unrolls like a latex Slinky, hugging my skin all the way down as if it were custom-made for my body. The smell is atrocious, but I’m smiling.

“It worked, Tank.”

“Good, but you ruined it,” he says. “You can’t use one if you don’t put it on right the first try.”

“What should I do with it?”

“Just dump it in there. Nobody’ll find it.”

“Why’s it smell so bad?” I reach down with both hands and begin pulling it off.

“Must be the lubricant,” he says. “I can smell it out here. It reeks.”

“Maybe they’re expired.”

“Just hurry the hell up, Zach. She won’t wait all night.” He pauses. “Dude, there’s a car coming.”