My cousin Amy had been the risk taker of the family. I don’t think Amy ever looked before crossing a road in her life. She didn’t need to; she had me to do it for her. That’s why we were best friends—we complemented each other perfectly.

Though she was a year older, I was the responsible one, the one who kept her safe. Her job was keeping me from retreating too far into my comfort zone, to prod me out into the world. The last thing she ever said to me was: “Come on, stop worrying; it’ll be fun.”

It was at the pit of my downfall, after my dismissal from the force and before I bought the lodge, that I discovered extreme sports. I opened the paper, saw an article on skydiving, got into my car and drove down to sign up. I can still remember standing in the hatch for the first time, knowing that I’d prepared with all the care I could, both mentally and physically. And yet, standing there, looking down, I knew there was still a chance that all my preparation could be undone by the whim of fate. So I jumped.

It wasn’t about wanting to die or having nothing left to live for; it was about letting go. You live your life doing what you’re supposed to do, following the rules, following your conscience no matter what your gut tells you—and most times, that’s okay. Control is good. It allows you to believe in certainty and absolutes, like lining up the perfect shot. But when you hold on for so long, and hold on so tight, every once in a while you have to close your eyes and jump.

After dinner, I helped the guys set up their poker game, but begged off participating, claiming fatigue from the long drive. I’d rest in my room, then join the evening bonfire.

Once in my room, I locked the door, opened the window and slipped out. My feet automatically found the grooves in the logs and I was on the ground in seconds.

I spent the next hour just inside the forest, waiting for Jack. I’d come out too early. Yet I needed this time alone to sit in the forest, listen to the leaves rustle and the distant call of the loons and owls.

Almost an hour had passed when the faint scent of smoke cut through the smells of the forest. Not wood smoke, but that of a cigarette, some foreign brand with a scent so distinctive I’d recognize it in the smokiest blues bar.

I looked over. The lights from the lodge silhouetted a dark figure stood poised between the trees, a few feet from my shoulder.

“Can’t just say hi, can you?” I said.