‘Please believe me when I say that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just, well . . . After we talked about trying for a baby . . .’ She caught herself in a sob and took a second to compose herself. ‘You were so excited, Ern. I couldn’t believe how happy it made you, just talking about it. You were in love with the idea before we even started trying. I wanted to be what you wanted me to be. And you were so happy when I agreed. But then . . . I’m not saying it was your fault – I’m trying to explain. I was scared. I just needed a bit more time.

‘I was only supposed to keep taking the pill for a few weeks,’ she continued, ‘until I got used to the idea of getting pregnant. And, God, I loved those first few weeks. It was the happiest we’d ever been, I think. You had a light in your eyes that I couldn’t bring myself to snuff. But then a few weeks turned into a few months, which turned into a year, and suddenly you wanted to figure out what was going on and we’re driving to clinics and doctors, and you have that little plastic cup and I realised I’d trapped myself into never telling you, so I just had to go along with it, knowing that the only solution was to stop taking the pills and reveal a miracle pregnancy before someone else told you first. And I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was like feeding fivers into a pokie machine. I kept putting off the clinic. I kept thinking that I just needed to get rid of one more letter, I just needed to shrug off one more phone call, and then I’d be ready. Every prescription was my last, and then I’d find myself in the chemist waiting for another one.’

I was crying too now. ‘I wanted just you – just you as you were. I didn’t want a vessel. I was only excited because I thought we were doing it together. I would have listened.’

‘But if I’d have told you, you would have pushed. You wouldn’t have known what you were pushing against, and you would have done it in your funny charming way, and maybe you’d have dropped it for a year or two, but you would have pushed. I couldn’t tell you about Mum. I haven’t told anyone since I was a teenager, when I realised it was easier to tell people she was sick. I couldn’t face the judgement. I thought, with enough time, I could give you what you wanted. I really tried.