| 1 | The AUDIENCE will be involved throughout and need to feel relaxed and safe. Greeting them also helps the NARRATOR cast the play. Jonny would be in the theatre for at least half an hour before the start of the show to speak to as many people as possible and work out who he was going to use in performance. The pieces of paper should look like authentic parts of the list – ones written during childhood could be written in crayon for instance, others should be written on napkins, beermats and the backs of envelopes (for example). |
| 2 | This date should be amended to correspond to the NARRATOR’s age. |
| 3 | Originally the dog’s name was Ronnie Barker but we had to change that for the US. Other possible names included Charles Barkley and Edward Woofwoof. |
| 4 | The Vet can be a man or a woman. |
| 5 | Throughout the play, AUDIENCE members will be invited to play characters. They are allowed to say whatever they wish and the NARRATOR has to work with what he’s given. Though improvisations shouldn’t go on too long, the spontaneity of these interactions is a central element of the show. |
| 6 | There are several props used during the play but they should all be sourced from the AUDIENCE. |
| 7 | If the DAD can be seen by everyone, and if the NARRATOR can sit next to him, there’s no need for him to move. |
| 8 | In the US Jonny would correct DAD: ‘Actually, it’s a British car, so –’ and they would mime opening the other door. |
| 9 | In performance ‘chocolate and juice from a machine’ changed depending on what could be acquired from the AUDIENCE – ‘a cup of tea and a sandwich’ for instance, or ‘some water and an apple.’ These then have to be included as items 8 and 9. Jonny would often take someone’s wine and react as a child would, saying ‘spicy’ and handing it back. In New York, we shortened it to just ‘chocolate’ and Jonny would hand one of the couple a bar of chocolate and then hold out his hand to get it back. |
| 10 | So far, nobody has refused to do this. In performance it sometimes took quite a while however. Jonny would acknowledge this, saying things like ‘she liked to create a real sense of dramatic tension. She was a double-knotter, that’s one of the things we always liked about her, very thorough.’ |
| 11 | At one performance, MRS PATTERSON explained that she had a bad toe. Jonny added ‘I remember her telling me how worried she was about her toe. It was a skydiving accident wasn’t it?’ MRS PATTERSON replied ‘Yes that’s right.’ Jonny then included her in the list ‘165, Mrs Patterson and her extreme sports hobbies.’ |
| 12 | Occasionally, the sock dog would say that, yes, he had mentioned the list to which Jonny would reply something like ‘well, I’d still like to recap’. |
| 13 | If the SOCK/MRS PATTERSON insist that the NARRATOR stay and talk, the NARRATOR can beg childishly until they are released. |
| 14 | In George’s production, this entry was written on an actual mustard lid. |
| 15 | Jonny would often tell the AUDIENCE how he uses this joke as a barometer for how the show was going, sometimes telling them: ‘they don’t laugh at that in the matinees.’ |
| 16 | The LECTURER can be a man or a woman. Jonny would often describe the lecturer first, explaining that they always wore red-rimmed glasses for instance, before asking someone who is dressed exactly how he’s just described to take part, saying ‘I don’t know why, but you really remind me of her…’ |
| 17 | SAM can be male or female. For the purpose of this draft, it’s a woman. |
| 18 | Books that have been contributed by the AUDIENCE have included God’s Gift to Women, The Catcher in the Rye, Fifty shades of Grey and The Denial of Death among many others. |
| 19 | Occasionally Jonny would be given the perfect book to start a flirtatious conversation – Jane Eyre for instance – and give the book’s owner a big thumbs up. Most often though, he’d have a real struggle to make the book he’s been given sound exciting. In one performance in New York he was given an enormous hardback history of Manhattan’s sewage system. ‘It’s really…great’ he enthused: ‘You’d be surprised just how much there is to say about the history of Manhattan’s sewage system. If you’re going to read one book about the history of Manhattan’s sewage system, it really should be this one.’ He asked SAM if she had read the book and when she said she hadn’t he replied ‘No, of course not. No one has.’ At one performance in Edinburgh Jonny was given Nana by Émile Zola, in French. This prompted him to turn to the person who’d contributed it and say ‘aren’t you clever?’ and then add ‘it’s funny, for a minute I forgot I could speak French.’ He then began to discuss the book with its owner in French, a language he happens to speak fluently. The conversation was cut short by the sign interpreter who was having a tough enough time as it was. During a press night performance he was given a copy of Macbeth, giving him a dilemma of whether or not to say the title out loud, given the circumstances. In London he was given a copy of my play Lungs which was playing in the same theatre. Aware that I was sitting directly behind him he explained that he thought it was okay if you’re into babies and the environment but that he preferred the more recent stuff. |
| 20 | Jonny would just keep going here until SAM agreed. |
| 21 | In George’s production, Jonny would use a microphone during this section, and get the AUDIENCE MEMBERS to speak into it too. This was partly so we could have the music loud but also to introduce a microphone that will be used later. |
| 22 | This should be done in a way to ensure that the audience don’t applaud at this point. |
| 23 | In one performance in Edinburgh, the wonderful stand-up Josie Long was chosen to play SAM. At this point, she took a receipt from her pocket, fashioned it into a ring and used it to propose to Jonny. Jonny wore the ring for the rest of the performance. |
| 24 | It could be the VET or the LECTURER who crashes the wedding, whichever seems more amusing for the particular performance. |
| 25 | This is probably the most unpredictable moment of the play. Sometimes it’s very brief, sometimes the NARRATOR needs to cut it short. It can be very funny or very emotional, such as the occasion when the DAD (who turned-out to be a real-life Rabbi) ended his speech with the words ‘Son, you used to always ask me ‘why?’ and I never had an answer for you. Well, today I know that you have found your answer.’ |
| 26 | Depending on the DAD’s speech, this sometimes became ‘After the speeches, once we’d all recovered…’ |
| 27 | In America this often got a laugh, prompting Jonny to say ‘that’s not supposed to be funny. It’s just where we went.’ |
| 28 | Jonny would take this entry out of his pocket and give it to the person he’d moved away from SAM, then allow them to return to their seat. |