G G G G G G G G G G G G Great, I forgot how to do the G again. My problem is that I can never remember where to start, and if it doesn’t happen naturally then thinking about it gets me nowhere. There must be some knack to it, but I haven’t found it yet.

I know my handwriting’s awful today. I’m writing very quickly and anxiously; the buildup of tension and worry about the move is huge. I need to keep tying my books into packages, and there are lots of other things to do as well. I don’t feel like doing any of it. I don’t want to move. I’m sick of moves and changes. But it has to be done, because the powers that be have decreed it.

January 15

Although these exercises seem like a somewhat inappropriate task under the circumstances, I immerse myself in them, looking for my center—which by the way I’m not going to find, though I can at least try to get close. I notice I’ve had big handwriting from the get-go today, and although it’s not exactly beautiful, it’s not ugly either. This could be thanks to the small amount of wine I had at lunchtime. I also notice that I never get the x right; I can’t seem to master it, perhaps because of the problem of drawing the second line without lifting the pen. Let’s see: for example, for example, for example … that’s how it should be, and I think it’s possible only if you draw the second line after you write the whole word, like the dot of an i or the cross of a t, going back and checking the word after you’ve finished writing it to see what extra bits are missing. It’s a serious flaw in the handwritten script of our language that it can’t be written without lifting the pen, though maybe in other languages it’s even worse. But let’s go back to the x: if I try to write the word in a single movement of the pen, the next thing I know the whole thing’s a mess. I also need to remember to relax and save drawing the second line until the end. And now I’m reaching the end of this sheet of paper without having found my center or anything like it, though at least my writing is large and easy to read.

February 4