From the following day on my life changed completely. I became lighthearted and gay. The first thing I did was to go to a beauty parlor and have a permanent. I bought cosmetics and mended my dresses. I felt as though the worries that had weighed so heavily on me had been completely wiped away.

In the morning I get up and eat breakfast with the boy. Then I put him on my back and leave for work. New Year’s is the big season at the restaurant, and I’ve been so busy my eyes swim. My husband comes in for a drink about once every two days. He lets me pay the bill and then disappears again. Quite often he looks in on the shop late at night and asks if it isn’t time for me to be going home. Then we return pleasantly together.

“Why didn’t I do this from the start? It’s brought me such happiness.”

“Women don’t know anything about happiness or unhappiness.”

“Perhaps not. What about men?”

“Men only have unhappiness. They are always fighting fear.”

“I don’t understand. I only know I wish this life could go on forever. The boss and the madam are such nice people.”

“Don’t be silly. They’re grasping country bumpkins. They make me drink because they think they’ll make money out of it in the end.”

“That’s their business. You can’t blame them for it. But that’s not the whole story is it? You had an affair with the madam, didn’t you?”

“A long time ago. Does the old guy realize it?”

“I’m sure he does. I heard him say with a sigh that you had brought him a seduction and debts.”

“I must seem a horrible character to you, but the fact is that I want to die so badly I can’t stand it. Ever since I was born I have been thinking of nothing but dying. It would be better for everyone concerned if I were dead, that’s certain. And yet I can’t seem to die. There’s something strange and frightening, like God, which won’t let me die.”

“That’s because you have your work.”

“My work doesn’t mean a thing. I don’t write either masterpieces or failures. If people say something is good, it becomes good. If they say it’s bad, it becomes bad. But what frightens me is that somewhere in the world there is a God. There is, isn’t there?”

“I don’t have any idea.”

Now that I have worked twenty days at the restaurant I realize that every last one of the customers is a criminal. I have come to think that my husband is very much on the mild side compared to them. And I see now that not only the customers but everyone you meet walking in the streets is hiding some crime. A beautifully dressed lady came to the door selling sake at 300 yen the quart. That was cheap, considering what prices are nowadays, and the madam snapped it up. It turned out to be watered. I thought that in a world where even such an aristocratic-looking lady is forced to resort to such tricks, it is impossible that anyone alive has a clear conscience.