until she says, “Shit, who knows what I am?”

When I look in the mirror now,

I see a little girl

who can’t be anyone I know,

who long ago, met Tonto at the drive-in

and said, “How” and raised her hand in greeting

and he said, “How”

and moved on to the next car,

leaving her, leaving me even then

with a slight sense of dislocation.

I remember how proud we were

that an Indian was there to meet us,

although John said we’d have been better off

staying home and going to bed early,

because a real Indian

would never say “How,”

he’d just know what to do.

I guess that means I’m not real either.

I guess I’m just pretending

and should give up and move

and let my house burn,

let my oil earn another man’s living,

but I’m not giving up.

I won’t be dust.

I won’t just sit here,

too old to do more

than pore over charred papers

and rue the day Columbus arrived

just in time for the big giveaway.

GRANDFATHER SAYS

“Sit in my hand.”

I’m ten.

I can’t see him,

but I hear him breathing

in the dark.

It’s after dinner playtime.

We’re outside,

hidden by trees and shrubbery.

He calls it hide-and-seek,

but only my little sister seeks us

as we hide

and she can’t find us,

as grandfather picks me up

and rubs his hands between my legs.

I only feel a vague stirring

at the edge of my consciousness.

I don’t know what it is,

but I like it.

It gives me pleasure

that I can’t identify.

It’s not like eating candy,

but it’s just as bad,

because I had to lie to grandmother

when she asked,

“What do you do out there?”

“Where?” I answered.

Then I said, “Oh, play hide-and-seek.”

She looked hard at me,

then she said, “That was the last time.

I’m stopping that game.”

So it ended and I forgot.

Ten years passed, thirty-five,

when I began to reconstruct the past.

When I asked myself

why I was attracted to men who disgusted me

I traveled back through time

to the dark and heavy breathing part of my life

I thought was gone,

but it had only sunk from view

into the quicksand of my mind.

It was pulling me down

and there I found grandfather waiting,

his hand outstretched to lift me up,

naked and wet

where he rubbed me.

“I’ll do anything for you,” he whispered,

“but let you go.”

And I cried, “Yes,” then, “No.”

“I don’t understand how you can do this to me.

I’m only ten years old,”

and he said, “That’s old enough to know.”

THE SECRET

You stand so still beside my bed,

the pillow raised above my head

while I pretend to be asleep.

I can barely keep from laughing,