Leah thought she would choke on the guilt that rose up inside her. And at the same time she wanted someone to feel sorry for her. She wanted someone to agree with her. She wanted someone to tell her it was all right to have these terrible feelings and to allow them to tear out of her like a pack of wild animals.

But she was afraid to ask for that. She was afraid of being told it wasn’t all right, that she shouldn’t feel the things that had been building inside of her all this time since Leslie had been taken.

What would Anne Leone think of her if she confessed all of these ugly emotions? Leah had told her mother she wasn’t the crazy one, but she had a terrible suspicion that maybe she was. How else could she think to hate the sister she had loved so much? How else could she bring herself to cut herself and cause herself pain and make herself bleed? If that wasn’t crazy, what was?

Unable to concentrate, Leah had asked to skip her riding lesson with Maria. She had thrown herself into her tasks—grooming horses and cleaning tack. These were jobs she usually enjoyed because they were simple and physical and let her see a result, and at the same time her mind was free to wander. Today she didn’t want her mind to wander because it wanted only to go down dark paths to places that frightened her.

She didn’t want to be alone with her thoughts. She didn’t want to interact with other people. She wanted just to go home, but she didn’t really have a home anymore. The house they were living in wasn’t home. The home she had grown up in was being sold. Her life had no anchor. She felt like she was trapped in a clear balloon floating aimlessly while she suffocated inside it. And the people around her were watching it happen, but seeing nothing.

She was afraid to be by herself. She was afraid of herself. She was afraid now for her mom after the things her mother had talked about in the car. She was just plain afraid.

She went into the stall with Bacchus, just to be near him. He was so calm and seemed so wise. He didn’t think she was crazy. He was always happy to see her, and welcomed her with a nicker and a nuzzle from his big soft nose.

In a weird way, going to Bacchus had taken the place of going to Daddy for comfort. Bacchus was big and strong. He didn’t judge her. He loved her unconditionally. Nothing ever seemed as bad when she was next to him.