Father Guido could not really understand what Moorhead was complaining about, but he recognised the tone of a man who was used to proving that he was right about everything. Although His Eminence wanted to anathematise Moorhead, Father Guido couldn’t help feeling that these two dogmatic, ill-tempered men were really spiritual twins. The truth was that, at this moment, he didn’t care what either of them thought; he simply felt too well, too delighted to be part of this jubilant occasion. He only ever watched television at Easter for the Pope’s blessing – and also, caving into pressure from the younger friars, when Italy played in the World Cup Final of 2006. Now he could not help gazing in wonder at the film of a white spaceship approaching the snowy ground outside a large institutional building. When it landed, the music also came to an end, with some applause, whistles and whoops from the audience. The stage went dark but soon, out of the pregnant darkness, a new melody emerged. There was a roar of recognition from the guests as the stage lit up again.

Suddenly, La Signorina Jade appeared before the two old men in a short red dress, her black hair stacked up and pierced with a beautiful ivory chopstick, chased with red and black pictograms. ‘Come on, guys! This is a classic, we’ve got to dance.’ She joined the musicians in singing the opening words of the song.

She’s a model and she’s looking good

I’d like to take her home – that’s understood

‘No possible definition of dancing …’ Moorhead began, but Father Guido did not hear the rest of the paragraph, since Jade had clasped his hand and was dragging him towards the stage. When they reached the outer edge of the crowd, Jade let go of Guido’s hand and threw herself into a frenzied dance, thrashing her body from side to side, undulating her arms, and then, still swaying, more slowly now, she bowed towards Father Guido and, as her head drew closer, unpinned the grenade of her hair and lashed it from side to side only millimetres from his somewhat prominent waist. Just when the poor Abbot thought he might faint, she arched backwards, making the same writhing motion, but this time with her own waist thrust forward until the longest strands of her hair were touching the grass behind her.

Madonna, thought Father Guido, moving his elbows nervously back and forth and trying to make his old knees move at the same time. Then, in an abrupt change of style, Jade jumped neatly beside him and started to do a perfect impersonation of an old-fashioned cyborg, as if to make Father Guido’s rather awkward and rigid dancing style seem like the perfect complement to the music.