Heather shrugged and popped open a packet of crisps, not quite meeting her friend’s eyes. Nikki had always been the nice one, the kind one, and having to look at real sympathy on another human’s face was too much to handle at that moment, especially after her wobble at the house. Organic material.

‘I’m as well as can be expected, I guess. Looking around the house earlier, I half expected her to still be there, you know? Like it was all some sort of, I don’t know, clerical error. It’s …’ Something moved in her chest, and the room felt unstable, as though the floor were about to drop away. ‘It’s been a while since I’ve been back to the old place. And, well, you know she wasn’t a huge fan of mine, anyway.’

‘That’s not really the point.’

‘Yeah, I know.’ Heather took a sip of the rum and Coke, blinking as the burn hit her throat. A headache that had been brewing fizzled away, and some of the tension left her shoulders. ‘Why would she kill herself, Nikki? I can’t get my head round it. There’s something … it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t make sense.’

Nikki looked faintly uncomfortable, shifting in her chair. The pub was starting to fill up with lunch trade, people coming in for the five-pound curry deal. ‘Auntie Shanice wouldn’t believe it at first. Said that Mr Ramsey must be talking out of his arse … Heather, suicide is difficult to understand. Your mum must have been very unhappy, troubled even, possibly for a very long time, and it’s possible that no one even knew she was suffering. Mental illness can be devastating like that.’

‘Yeah. And I’d be the last person to know, wouldn’t I? It’s just …’ Heather shrugged. ‘You remember my mum, I know you do. Never wanted a fuss, preferred everything to be as quiet as possible. It feels like such a gesture, like she was telling me something, or she wanted to, I don’t know, punish me maybe.’ Seeing the look on Nikki’s face, she sighed. ‘I know, I sound like a bloody cliché. Refusing to accept what’s right in front of me because the truth is a little too uncomfortable. Making it all about me, for Christ’s sake. But I can’t shake the feeling I’m missing something. Did your aunt notice anything wrong with her? Recently, I mean?’

‘Hev …’ Nikki reached over and squeezed her hand briefly, and again Heather found she couldn’t look at her friend’s face. ‘Some things … Some things can’t be figured out, or reasoned away.’

Heather nodded, looking down at the sticky table top.