They’d spent hours at a bar, drinking firebrandy until she had no clue what she was saying or doing. Her memories of the night had always been spotty at best, but one thing she remembered was sitting in a booth next to him and how he’d brushed her hair away from her neck where it clung with summer heat.

She’d moved away, wishing it had been Kohl.

Maybe she should have stayed in place and seen what would have happened. Now there was no point.

“Your heart is beating really fast,” Teo said in a soft voice as his hand fell away. “You should stop using that.”

In response, she gripped the paper bag more tightly.

He raised an eyebrow incredulously. “I know you’re high out of your mind and scared, but please stop and think about what you’re doing for a second. My mother was shot in front of me because of this job with Kouta, and now that job is ruined.” He paused, then forced out the next words. “You owe—”

“I don’t have any money, Teo.” She shook the paper bag in his direction. “Spent my last kors on this. Sorry.”

“You thought I was going to ask you for money?” He let out a bitter laugh.

“What else would you want?” she snapped. “I have nothing left that I could possibly owe you or anyone else. I can’t fix things so that Kouta dies by my hand, and I wouldn’t even do that if I could. I can’t join any fight against the Steels, so give up on that fantasy. And I can’t bring your mother back from the dead.”

She bit her lip, almost about to take back those words, but the numbing sensation from the glue coursed through her and held back the apology. A chill spread between them, cold as winter.

When Teo next spoke, he already sounded far away.

“I was going to say, ‘You owe yourself more than this.’”

Keeping her gaze on the city ahead and gripping the bag of glue with the little feeling she had left in her limbs, she heard him stand. She didn’t look back to watch him go.

But once his footsteps faded away, tears fell down her numbed cheeks. She only noticed them when they dropped onto her hands and she watched them dry on her skin.

Good things don’t happen to girls who come from nothing.

What could Teo possibly think she owed herself? She was an idiot to have ever thought she could reach higher. Kohl had lifted her off the streets, and she should have stayed with him instead of trying to achieve something more. She should have known she’d only get knocked down, back to being nothing but the burdensome, starving kid he’d had to save. The suspicion demanded resolution: Am I only strong when Kohl stands behind me?

Burying her head in her hands, she pressed her palms against her eyes until green and black stars exploded in her vision. She dug her fingernails into her forehead, hoping to draw blood. If she drew blood, she was still human, not just a failed Blade. If she drew blood, she couldn’t be a useless thing to throw away.