Would you not be curious? she asks. In my position? Seeing my subjects go in as normal, agitated, messed-up humans and come out – I don’t know – like all the bad stuff is erased?
Logan can’t help thinking he likes normal, agitated, messed-up humans. The idea of any part of him being erased – even what she so unscientifically calls the bad stuff – is less than appealing. Although if she could excise his grief, just his grief; if she could cauterize that without losing one atom of the love that gave birth to it, without dulling a single memory of the moments he will never have again...
No, not possible. The grief and the love are one. He puts the personal away; returns to a more professional concern.
But how can you be objective when you have experimented on yourself?
She shakes her head, but the smile doesn’t come off.
You’d be surprised how objective one can be after experiencing oneself as an aspect of infinite intelligence.
She is surely toying with him; the mobility of her lips confirms her amusement. Then they straighten out, as if she told them to behave themselves. But in terms of the paper you read, you must understand that when I wrote it I hadn’t undergone the process. It was only after publication that I – she seeks out an appropriate word – succumbed. I was just too curious not to.
Embarrassed for her, he stretches for the kind of polite trope that awkward conversationalists adopt when a subject has petered out.
Have you always been religious?
She surveys him steadily.
I’m not religious now. I’m not in the slightest bit interested in religion.
But you believe you’ve experienced God?
She laughs the way a kind teacher might laugh when faced with the earnest seriousness of a five-year-old.
Believe me, Dr Logan, religion may have everything to do with God, but God has nothing to do with religion.
Reality
Nursing a half in the Battle of Trafalgar, Logan taps out observations on his meeting with Gabrielle Salmon. Partly to record a conversation still vivid, and partly to stave off impatience and indignation at a busy man’s time squandered by one who breakfasts while others lunch and enjoys three-month holidays. Though enjoys, he notes as the thought takes form, is not a very Tom verb.
GS reports religious observance neutralized by her process. Some subjects continue attending religious services for social reasons but report previously meaningful rituals (Mass, chanting, prayer) now feel pointless. Six-month follow-up (paper in draft stage) shows 87% drop-off in religious observance. GS happy to send a copy.