“You want to see safe hands?” her dad asked. He went to the fruit bowl on the side table, took two apples and proceeded to juggle them. “See? Safe as anything.”

Her mum frowned at him. “Are you proposing you juggle our new-born child?”

“Of course not,” he said. “I’d only be able to juggle her if you’d had twins. Otherwise it’s just throwing.”

“Steph,” her mum said, “give me my baby and never let your father near her.”

“Deal,” Valkyrie said, handing her sister over.

Her dad put the apples back in the bowl. “Everyone seems to forget that I’m not a complete novice at this. Don’t I already have one beautiful daughter, and she turned out OK, didn’t she? I didn’t drop her once.”

“You dropped her when we were at the zoo,” Valkyrie’s mum said.

Valkyrie spun her head to him. “You dropped me?”

“Ah,” he said, “I’d forgotten about that. In my defence, though, you were a very wriggly child. One moment you were there, the next you were, you know, on the ground in the penguin enclosure.”

She blinked. “You dropped me in the penguin enclosure?”

“I was leaning over the railing and you just plopped out of my grip. You weren’t hurt, or anything. And even if you had been, I’m sure the penguins would have taken you in, raised you as one of their own. It would have been a different life for you, but still a good one.”

“I can’t believe you dropped me.”

“Neither could the people around us. Some crazy woman stormed up and roared at me for five minutes about how I shouldn’t be putting my child in danger.”

“That was me,” Valkyrie’s mum muttered.

“Now it makes sense,” Valkyrie said, collapsing on to the couch. “My fear of zoos. My fear of penguins. My fear of being dropped in a zoo with the penguins. It’s all Dad’s fault.”

“Most things are,” he admitted sadly, and wandered over to his wife. “But I won’t make the same mistakes again, I promise. From this moment on, I will be the best father the world has ever seen. Wifey, may I please hold my child?”

“I’m feeding her.”

“Give me the child and the bottle. I’ll feed her.”

Valkyrie’s mum looked at him suspiciously. “When you hold a baby, what is the most important thing to remember?”

“Not to drop it,” he said proudly.

“Well, yes, well done, dear, but I was thinking more about how you hold the baby.”

“Ah,” he said, “of course. The secret to holding a baby is to pick it up by the scruff of the neck.”

“You’re thinking of kittens.”

“Pick it up by its ears, then.”

“You’re thinking of nothing.”

“Can I please just hold her?”

“I don’t think that’s wise.”