Jack looked at his friends, who were staring at him with deep hatred. He sucked in his breath and held it for a moment. “Sir, there are no vehicles to commandeer, and if there were vehicles to commandeer, they wouldn’t be able to move in this snow.” He listened again, his face turning white. “That does sound rather like a plan, sir, but how will you get them here? I’m not sure my friends know how to ride horses.”

Harry, his own eyes glazed over, balled his hand into a fist and drove it into one of the logs sitting on the hearth. Splinters of wood shot in every direction. Jack tried not to look at Ted and Espinosa, who were dancing in all directions, waving their hands and shaking their heads. He took their antics to mean they were not going to ride horses no matter what he said.

“Yes, sir, I’ll wait for your call as to the delivery of the…the animals.” Jack broke the connection and said, “Boy, it’s hot in here, isn’t it?” And then he was on the floor, being pummeled and pounded to within an inch of his life. “Damn it, hold on. You’re choking me. Let me catch my breath. After that, you can beat the shit out of me for all I care. It wasn’t my order. It was the DA’s order. Look at me, all of you! You are officially deputized as of this minute. Now, go ahead and kill me. They’ll execute you for killing me. You know that, right?”

“What? You think we’re stupid? You have to read us something official. Then you have to give us a badge or something,” Ted said.

“In normal circumstances, yes, you’re right. However, as my boss pointed out, these are not normal circumstances. You’ll get a commendation and an official deputy badge when this is over. So will your…uh…horse.”

Espinosa rolled over on the floor. He looked to Jack like he was going to cry. “I’ve never been on a horse.”

“So what! You say giddy-up, and the horse does the rest. How hard can that be?” Jack demanded.

“Where do we get weapons?” Ted asked.

“Who said anything about weapons?” Jack replied. “I have one, and I’m the full deputy. You do not get a weapon. Harry, now, is different. Harry is his own weapon.”

“Let me make sure I have this right,” Ted said. “Number one, we’re deputies who are going to ride horses. Number two, we will not have a weapon to fight whatever crime and Santa Claus we’re assigned to fight because your asshole boss gave you the authority to deputize us. Number three, we have nothing at all to say about this. Is that what you’re telling us? Oh, and one other thing. Number four, what about the elves? Do we get to fight the elves, too?”