Cover

About the Author

Nuala Ellwood was chosen as one of the Observer’s ‘New Faces of Fiction 2017’ for her first thriller, the bestselling My Sister’s Bones. Nuala teaches Creative Writing at York St John University, and lives in the city with her young son.

Dedication

For Nerina

What readers are saying about

Day of the Accident

‘Hang on to your seats’

Sue, Netgalley

‘Intriguing and compelling … it kept me awake for hours’

Christina, Netgalley

‘A brilliant read. Highly recommended’

Joanna, Netgalley

‘Clever. Original. Inventive. Exhilarating. 5/5’

Natalie, Netgalley

‘I really didn’t see the ending coming’

Matthew, Netgalley

‘Oh, this is a fabulous book!’

Valerie, Netgalley

‘Wow, what an incredibly well-written book. I loved it’

Melita, Netgalley

‘WOW and WOW again. This is definitely going to be one of my favourite reads of this year’

Nicki, Netgalley

‘A brilliantly fascinating, multi-layered mystery that kept me hooked and guessing’

Jennifer, Netgalley

‘Highly recommended’

Pauline, Netgalley

Epigraph

‘When it hurts, we return to the banks of certain rivers’

Czesław Miłosz

Prologue

Lewes Crown Court
August 2017

Now that I’m finally here I realize that what I feel, more than anything, is a sense of unburdening. I always knew deep down inside me that it would have to come out in the end; that someone would have to pay.

The two officers flanking me stare straight ahead, though my eyes are drawn to the ceiling. Its honeycomb design seems to shift and bend as we walk, like the ripples on the surface of a river. Somewhere up there they will be taking their seats, the strangers with whom my fate now rests. They will be issuing polite greetings, shuffling papers, reading notes. All in a day’s work for them, this case, an open and shut one according to my lawyer, though not to me; not to me.

Elspeth is with me as we come to a halt by an ornate wooden door. I can feel her presence like a second skin as the first officer steps forward to open it, then with a tilt of the head ushers his colleague and myself through.

The officers lead me to my spot and though my lawyer has prepared me for this moment, rehearsed it until I’m pitch-perfect, it is still a shock to be in this room. I look up to a sea of black-robed figures all on their feet and I’m reminded of Elspeth’s charcoal drawing of the crows that used to litter the meadow at Larkfields. When she’d finished it we hung it on the wall in the kitchen so everyone could admire it. Yet, though Elspeth had been very proud of the drawing, I had always found it chilling, as though it were alluding to something much darker, something rotten that lay hidden at the heart of our family. And now, in this moment, when my mind should be focused on the proceedings at hand, all I can think of is the collective noun for a group of crows.

A murder.

I swallow the thought as the judge begins to speak. As he reads out the list of charges I lower my eyes and try to summon Elspeth to my side again. But all I can see is the river and that secret spot where the two alder trees, leafless and bone clean, bend their heads towards each other. I recall the pain, the eerie silence. The panic. The fear. I hear the words I told myself over and over. This is for the best; this way I can wipe the slate clean and make it all better.

‘Margaret Rose Allan.’

The judge is addressing me. I stand up. I try to appear calm though my left leg is shaking violently.

The judge continues to speak. I hear the word ‘manslaughter’ and though I have prepared for this, the enormity of it suddenly hits.

‘How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?’

‘Forgive me, Elspeth,’ I think as I enter my plea. ‘Please forgive me.’

Part One

1

Lewes Victoria Hospital, Lewes, East Sussex
Five weeks earlier
Monday 17 July 2017

I wake to a liquid world. Orbs of yellow light hang in front of me. I try to blink them away but they grow bigger and bigger until their bloated shape is all I can see.

I close my eyes and the pain begins; faint at first then raw, excruciating, splitting my head into tiny pieces that fall into the dead space around me as I lie here unable to move. I hear movement in the room and voices low and muffled. A hand touches my arm and I feel something sharp penetrate my skin.

‘She’s stirring.’

A male voice. He sounds like he is under water. I stay still, my breath rising and falling alongside the pain in a twisted tandem. Up and down, up and down.

‘Have we managed to contact her husband?’

The aquatic voice gurgles somewhere on the margins of the room. I can only hear in waves. Another voice answers but I can’t make out the words. Then the man speaks again. This time he sounds clearer, like his face is pressed right next to mine.

I recognize his voice now. It’s the man from my dream. I want to see him but my eyes won’t focus properly. Everything is blurred.

‘Maggie, can you hear me?’

I go to speak but my mouth is full of water. River water. The milky taste of the Ouse. I hear it rushing in my ears, into my nose. I try to breathe but the water is consuming me.

‘Maggie,’ he repeats, the name a rock thudding against my head. ‘Can you hear me?’

The answer is, yes, I can. And not only at this moment but for some time now. I’ve lived with his voice, all their voices, in my dream world, the world I’m reluctantly leaving. The lure of sleep is overwhelming. It entices me with its velvet embrace, tempting me to lose myself in its folds.

‘Maggie,’ says the man firmly. ‘I need to know if you can hear me.’

I turn my head then and look straight at him. The fog begins to clear and he comes into focus, a man in his early forties with cropped greying hair and thick blue-rimmed glasses.

‘Yes,’ I whisper, finally, hearing the collective sigh of relief trickle through the room. Then more loudly: ‘Yes.’

2

Wednesday 19 July

Something is shifting. I become aware, slowly, of noise, chatter. My eyes are the first to respond, flicking open like a switch taking me from darkness into light. I see a glass window in front of me. There’s a blur of colour behind it; movement, figures. I try to focus on the figures but they bleed out like street lights reflected in a puddle. I blink, once, twice, three times, then I turn my head. The movement brings about a sensation akin to travel sickness. I’m aware of a tightening in my throat. I go to touch it but my arm won’t move. I look down and see wires. They are attached to my hands and chest.

‘Hello,’ I say, my voice a croak. ‘Hello?’ Louder this time.

I hear the door open. A man appears at the end of the bed.

‘Maggie?’ he says, his voice loud and deliberate.

I recognize his voice.

‘My name’s Dr Elms.’

Dr Elms. I last heard the name in my coma dream.

‘Wheremi?’ I say, pushing the words out. ‘Wheremi?’

My mouth feels twisted. The words aren’t forming properly. My lips feel numb.

‘You’re in Lewes Victoria Hospital.’

He is speaking very slowly, like a warped record.

I look beyond him and see two women, one in a blue uniform, the other in pink. The one in pink smiles at me then comes over and sits by the bed. I feel her hand on my hand. It’s warm.

‘You’re doing really well, Maggie,’ she says, gently.

I turn to look at her. She’s middle-aged with short mousy hair and a soft, kind face.

‘I’m Claire,’ she says. ‘I’m your nurse.’

When she says that word a sharp pain engulfs my chest and I ball my fists, willing the pain to subside.

‘Let me get you some water,’ says Claire.

She pours a cup from the jug by the bed then brings it to my mouth. I take a long sip. The water is cool and refreshing but the pain remains. Panicky pain.

‘Whatsss,’ I say as Claire takes the cup away. ‘Whatsshappened?’

My brain feels like it’s turned to liquid and my words are drowning in it.

Dr Elms walks over and sits down on the chair next to the bed.

‘I’m afraid you were involved in an accident,’ he says, emphasizing that final word with a nod of his head. ‘You lost consciousness and have been in a coma for nearly ten weeks.’

Claire rubs my hand. It sends a shiver up my spine and I jolt up in the bed.

‘Accssdent?’ I say, my mouth twitching as I try to take hold of the word. ‘Accssdent?’

‘Yes, an accident,’ says Dr Elms. ‘A car accident.’

As he speaks, I’m suddenly gripped with panic. I look around the room. There’s Dr Elms, Claire and the other woman in a blue uniform. There’s a room with a window looking out on to a corridor. I look back at the three people. Elms, Claire, uniform. Elms, Claire, uniform. Someone is missing. Someone should be here.

Elspeth.

‘Essh,’ I cry, throwing back the sheet. ‘Essh …’

Claire puts her hand out to hold me back.

‘It’s okay, Maggie,’ she says. ‘Try to keep calm.’

The name is in my head but it won’t form on my lips. The most important name, the most important person in my life, and I can’t get it out.

‘Daaaa …’ I begin, ripping through the film that separates my thoughts from my speech. ‘Dauu … Esssh?’

‘What is she saying?’ says Elms, turning to Claire.

‘I’m not sure,’ says Claire.

‘Essssh,’ I cry, pounding my fists on the bed in frustration.

‘Maggie, it’s okay,’ says Dr Elms, coming towards me with his palms raised. ‘You’re safe now. It’s all okay.’

I shake my head as he approaches. He puts his hand on my hand.

‘Whesh,’ I gasp, but I can feel my voice getting weaker. ‘Wheshe?’

‘I didn’t quite get that, Maggie,’ he says gently. ‘But don’t worry, just try to rest for now.’

Raw terror rips through me. Why won’t they answer my question? I need to get out of here. I need to find her.

‘Maggie, no,’ cries Elms as I launch myself forward.

I feel his arms on mine.

‘Claire, get the midazolam.’

I try to fight him but he’s too strong. Claire’s face appears in front of me. I feel a sharp sting in my arm and then the room starts to melt. I put my head back on the pillow. The panic dissipates. I try to remember what I wanted to ask but I can’t grasp it … it’s slipping … I fall.

3

Friday 21 July

Elspeth is sitting on the end of the bed. Her hair is sopping wet and the purple fleece dressing gown I bought her last winter is caked with mud. She pulls her knees to her chest. Her feet are bare and filthy.

‘Oh my darling, thank goodness,’ I say, sitting up. ‘Where have you been? Mummy was so worried.’

She doesn’t answer me. Her eyes look strange, almost glassy.

‘Elspeth, what is it?’ I say, wishing I could take out the wires that anchor me to the bed. ‘What happened to your dressing gown?’

She opens her mouth to speak but the voice that comes out isn’t hers. It is a woman’s.

‘Maggie.’

My eyes flicker and I feel myself rising up.

‘Maggie.’

‘Elspeth,’ I cry.

My eyes open. Elspeth is gone. Instead I see a nurse. I’m sure I’ve seen her before. Then I remember. Her name is Claire.

‘Good morning, Maggie,’ she says. ‘You’re looking a little brighter.’

I look around the room, my chest tightening with fear.

‘Wherishi?’ I say, my words still not forming properly. ‘Where … whereishi? Sh – she – wazere. She …’

The effort of trying to get my words out exhausts me and I lie back on the pillow, defeated.

‘Maggie, I’m just going to get Dr Elms,’ says Claire, her voice calm and steady. ‘I won’t be a moment.’

The memory of Elspeth sitting on the bed stills my nerves a little. She’s in another room of course. She’ll be in the children’s ward. That’s why Claire’s gone to get the doctor. He’ll be able to take these wires off me so I can go and see her. I whisper this to myself over and over, trying to keep the fear at bay. But the room feels like it’s closing in on me. The smell of antiseptic and boiled vegetables hangs heavy in the air and it reminds me of another place; a place I have spent my life trying to block out. Don’t think about that, I tell myself, as I lie here waiting for them to return, don’t let the dark thoughts in. Everything is going to be okay. They’re going to tell you where she is.

The door opens and I look up with a start.

‘Hi there, Maggie.’

Dr Elms walks in, followed by Claire.

‘How are you feeling this morning?’ he says, sitting down on the plastic chair by my bed.

‘Where’s …’ I say, willing myself to get the word. ‘Where’s … my … girl?’

A look passes between Claire and Dr Elms. A look that says something is wrong, something is terribly wrong.

‘Tell,’ I say, terrified now. ‘Please … you got tell … me.’

Claire sits down on the other side of the bed and puts her hand on my arm. I don’t like the way she is looking at me. It scares me.

‘What?’ I say. ‘What … is it?’

Dr Elms takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes. Then, replacing them, he leans forward and speaks slowly, gently.

‘Maggie, do you remember I told you that you were involved in a car accident?’

I nod my head.

‘Well, your vehicle was found submerged in water on the banks of the river.’

The river. I see a canopy of trees, their branches bending in the wind.

‘You were lying face down on the riverbank,’ he continues, his eyes boring into mine as he speaks. ‘Unconscious with some head and hand wounds.’

I look down at my hands for the first time. I have no fingernails.

‘It seems you made contact with the vehicle as you tried to stop it rolling into the water,’ says Dr Elms.

I look down again at my mutilated hands. There is only one reason why I would try to stop a rolling car and that would be because there was someone inside it.

‘Whereishi?’ I say, my whole body seizing up with fear. ‘Elspeth?’

I try to grab the doctor’s arm, but the effort almost knocks me sideways. The pain in my chest intensifies and I flop back on to the pillow.

‘This might be too soon, Dr Elms,’ says Claire. ‘Perhaps we should wait a little longer.’

‘In my experience it will be worse if we leave it,’ says Dr Elms, his voice muffled as he turns away from me. ‘She is asking the question. I am obliged to answer truthfully.’

They are talking as though I’m not here.

‘Worse?’ I say. ‘Tell … what … happened.’

He sits up straight and clears his throat. His eyes can barely meet mine.

‘Okay,’ he says. ‘We think you were trying to free her when you were knocked unconscious.’

‘Her,’ I say as the room folds in on me. ‘Wh–what?’

‘Your daughter,’ says Dr Elms. ‘The fire crew reported that she was still in the car when the car rolled into the water. The door was locked.’

I shake my head; try to take in what he is saying.

‘No,’ I say. ‘I’d never …’

Dr Elms goes to speak then stops.

He looks across at Claire. She shakes her head.

‘But they … they got her out, didn’t they?’ I say, my body pulsating with terror. ‘They got her out … of the car …’

They don’t answer.

‘Elsp,’ I scream, yanking at the wires. ‘Please … you have to … tell me she’s …’

Claire puts her hand on my arm. Her skin feels clammy on mine. I push her away.

‘I’m begging you,’ I cry, tears clouding my eyes. ‘She’s my … baby … She’s my … she’s my life.’

Elms pushes his glasses up with the tip of his index finger, then fixes his eye on me.

‘I’m very sorry, Maggie,’ he says, his voice as spare as a telegram. ‘But I’m afraid your daughter died at the scene.’

A high-pitched sound, like the air being released from a balloon, fills the air. Only after a couple of minutes do I realize that the noise is coming from me.

‘I’m so sorry, Maggie,’ says Claire.

‘She wouldn’t have felt anything,’ Elms says. ‘It would have been like going to sleep.’ But his eyes don’t meet mine.

I start to rock, forwards and backwards; as though movement will suspend the horror.

‘We realize this is the worst possible news,’ says Elms. ‘And we are so terribly, terribly sorry.’

I look up at him but all I see is Elspeth. My beautiful girl.

‘No,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘No. You’re wrong. She wazere, just … just on bed. Wet hair. She’s cold. She … she needs me.’

Elms shakes his head.

I look across at Claire. Her eyes are full of tears.

‘Help,’ I whimper. ‘Help … me … find her.’

‘Maggie, she’s not here, love,’ says Claire, wiping her eye with the back of her hand. ‘She’s not here.’

And then something rises up inside me. A hot burst of anger.

‘This is crazy,’ I cry. ‘I saw her. She was here. Going to go find her.’

I throw the covers back and try to get out of the bed.

‘Maggie, don’t,’ says Claire.

I try to jump down but the wires hold me back. I grab at the drip in my arm, try to yank it out, but Elms grabs my arms tightly.

‘Let me go,’ I cry. ‘Please just let me go.’

‘Oh God,’ whispers Claire, beside me.

Elms holds me down as Claire adjusts the drip. I catch his eye. And something about his expression confirms it all. My Elspeth, my beautiful Elspeth. I start to scream. My body jerks. Elms shouts something to Claire but I don’t hear what he says.

‘No,’ I cry as they try to guide me back on to the pillow. ‘Not Elspeth. Not my baby. No, no, no.’

‘Quickly, Claire,’ hisses Elms, still holding me down.

I look up into Claire’s face as she prepares to administer the sedative. Her eyes are swollen with tears and her bottom lip is quivering.

‘I’m so sorry,’ she says as she leans forward and pushes the needle into my skin.

I look at her blankly. Then I let my head drop back on the pillow. As the door closes I feel something snap inside me. I put my hand to my heart. It is still beating steadily though it has broken into a thousand pieces.

4

Saturday 22 July

The room is quiet save for the soft beeping noise of the bedside monitor where my blood pressure is displayed in stark green letters. Outside the door I can hear the nurses chatting at their station. One of them lets out a shriek of laughter and the noise cuts through me like a blade.

It has been twelve hours since I received the news. Twelve hours of lying on my back, unable to move. I want to scream and yell but my body is numb and when I try to talk the words won’t come. Claire came in earlier and administered more pain relief. It’s so strong it feels like I’m floating above myself.

A moment ago Dr Elms came and sat by my bed and told me about my injuries. I sustained some lung damage while in the river. Most likely it was my attempts to call for help while submerged in water that did it. He talked about the risks of developing inflammation of the lungs and how they are monitoring me for this; he spoke of his relief that the CT scans, taken when I was in the coma, showed healthy brain activity; no sign of damage.

Yet all the while he sat there, talking, as doctors do, in that cold, matter-of-fact way, about recovery and rehabilitation and physiotherapy sessions, I could only think of Elspeth, my beautiful ten-year-old girl.

I can’t accept what they are telling me. I would know if she were dead. I would feel it in my bones. There would be a sense of finality, a full stop. No, they are wrong. Elspeth got out of that car. She wandered off and now she is out there somewhere, lost and afraid. I can feel it.

It’s the same feeling I used to get if I lost sight of her in the supermarket, a raw, knee-buckling panic. But she would always reappear; I can see her little face now, peeking out from behind the shelves. ‘Did I scare you, Mummy?’

She would always reappear.

That is why I know she is still alive, and that, wherever she is, she needs me. She needs her mummy.

5

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