anxiety

Okay. Wow. That looks more like it. Feels more like it too. It’s small and lowercase and sneaks up on you and takes you DOWN. Holy shit, does it take you down. And there’s no explanation for it, is there? I saw a ton of that online too. A ton of good stuff about how there is no rational reason and so, Kit? STOP LOOKING FOR ONE. And oh boy, I can relate to that. I’ve looked for the reason all over my room, all over the house. All over my head. Because how can you expect someone to just…take it…without knowing why? Hey, look at me, I’m nervous! Why? Well…I don’t know why. And guess what? What? That makes me…

…more nervous.

Here’s a word that comes up a lot: COMPOUNDS

People love using that word because…it’s true. It’s like cycles, right? One bad feeling comes (anxiety) and then a second bad feeling (shame for feeling anxiety) and then a third round (anger for feeling shame) and a fourth and it feels like you’re getting punched in the stomach when all you’re really doing is sitting at a table during lunch and listening to your friends and, OH NO, all the bad feelings arrive, they’re all here.

In town.

In YOU.

It’s infuriating, isn’t it? You’re not allowed to think about it (anxiety) or else it comes but if you don’t think about it…it comes.

Not real fair.

Listen, Jolly, tomorrow is a big game. Playing Chaps in the Summer League finale. I can only guess Diana Taurasi doesn’t write down how scared she is before the WNBA finals. But I could be wrong. Maybe that’s exactly what she does. And maybe that’s why she’s fearless?

She doesn’t let things compound. She gives it all a head fake and all that bad shit goes flying by and she’s got an open lane and—

Oh, what do I know about her in real life? She’s extraordinary. What do I know about extraordinary?

SECRET: I want to be extraordinary too.

What do I need to do? Sign me up.

Tonight, we’re all sleeping at Dana’s to “make sure we all get some rest,” but really we all just want to hang out and I think maybe it’s because we’re all actually scared. I like to think I’m not alone on that front. I’m not the only one who lies in bed in the dark and worries that anxiety is gonna come squishing up the stairs like a worm, crawl under my door, crawl up my bed frame, into my bed, into my ear, into my head, into my mind, where it’ll lay eggs and then there won’t just be this one thought but a thousand of this one thought, like a planet with tons of moons, all in my head, these worms crawling around in the dark while I lie in the dark and the only thing I can do is to wait for them all to die.

That’s it, Jolly. The only real cure I’ve discovered at least.