HOLD UP. I think I just figured myself out.

Jolly,

I’m afraid of being afraid.

Let’s use that airplane example again. We flew down to Florida a couple years ago and I was so nervous, Mom asked them for a paper bag for me to breathe into. I couldn’t sit still and I was shaking, and while this wasn’t the first time I ran into Panic Attackula in public, it was the first time I wasn’t able to run away from it. Where was I going to go? My bedroom? Not likely. And don’t you know how it comes, Jolly? How it comes at you? There’s no warning. Oh God, no sound at all. You could be laughing, really having a good time, and you suddenly feel this rubbery sensation, like either you’re wearing a rubber suit or the person you’re talking to is wearing one, and then you can’t shake the feeling that we’re all just floating minds in these pretend rubber suits and it makes you feel so small and helpless and like you’re going to die. But here’s the thing: on the plane…did I think we were going to crash? Is that what I was worried about? Well, the answer is no. I wasn’t worried about dying, Jolly, I was worried about…worrying.

YES

I was afraid of being afraid! I remember looking across the aisle at this old woman who was watching a movie before we even took off and I thought to myself, “Am I worried about HER? Am I worried SHE’S gonna crash and die?” And the answer was a solid NO. I knew the woman was going to be fine. So, okay, what did that mean for me? If she was going to be fine, wouldn’t that mean I was too? I mean, it’s not like one of us could’ve avoided whatever fate had in store for the other, right?

Right.

CHECK IT: Dad put this stupid magnet on the refrigerator, one of those easy quotes you see in Hallmark stores and you can’t really trust that anybody knows who first said it, and so you don’t even really think about who said it. But you read it all the time like God said it. It says:

EVERYTHING YOU WANT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FEAR

And I know Dad put it there for me. He never said as much, but I know. It’s like the refrigerator is the eye of the house and every time I pass it there’s this little wink. Hey, Kit. Don’t call 911, because everything you want…

Well, is it true? Tell me, Jolly. Are all my dreams just sitting there, ready for me? Are my dreams waiting for me to stop being so afraid? I don’t even know what my dreams are anymore. Did I ever have any? I’m so scared of being scared. These days I’m happy if I’m just not unhappy. These days I consider it a success if I just don’t freak out. You know, that’s kinda like having a tiger in the bedroom with you and you’re happy when he doesn’t bite you.