I placed my hands on the cool ceramic. Could that really be it? Was control over my fingers of death really something as simple as actually believing I had control? Taking responsibility for itfor my gift?

No. I don’t have a gift. Olivia has one. Hayden has one. I don’t have

“I’m doing it,” I said out loud. “I’m doing it right now.”

What about my self-revelation courtesy of Catcher in the Rye? I’d decided I didn’t want to be like those statues in the museum, but I was. My thoughts worked the same. My actions did, too. I’d tried everything except believing I wasn’t a freak of nature.

Because it wasn’t that I didn’t have a soul. I mean, there were minutes when I truly wonderedwhen I thought about what’d happened when I’d died and how I’d felt afterwardsbut I didn’t want to hurt anyone. What’d happened to Dustin had been an accident. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt anyonenot really. I’d had moments when I’d entertained the idea, deep down, times when I’d felt threatened, but I didn’t want people to be afraid of me.

It was more than that.

I didn’t believe I was gifted, but maybe I was. Maybe my gift worked differently than the restlike something had to trigger it to become active. That something had been dying. Who knows, maybe I would’ve come back anyway, even without Olivia. Dying could’ve been a part of the great plan or something.

“Okay, now I sound crazy,” I muttered, running my fingers over the rim of the pot. “Like I walked into a cheesy sci-fi movie, but it’s something. I think. I guess.”

I dragged the pot into my lap. Earlier, I’d changed into linen shorts and a long-sleeved shirt. Both were thin enough to sleep in, if I ever decided to go to bed. It was well into the early morning hours. Everyone else had gone to bed hours ago…

And my brain was rambling again.

I made a face at the plant and sank my fingers into the rich, soft soil. Well-hydratedLiz took good care of the plants here. I’d come to believe her other gift was a green thumb, because all of the plants grew so beautifully.

Until I killed them, that is.

“So I have a gift. A giftnot a curseand the gift is the fingers of death, right?” I asked myself, feeling stupid when I waited for an answer. “Think about how badass that would be if I could control it.” I stopped there. Thinking about that inevitably led to what could happen if I could control it.

Touching, holding hands, kissing… Hayden.

Not the most helpful train of thought.