They’re not gonna kill me, he told himself again as he panted. He tried to cling to that, even without the serenity package. Motherfuckers want me alive. Won’t let me die. Just hold on, hold on.

Then the towel came back and then the water came again and it would be better if he didn’t even try to hold his breath but God help him he couldn’t fucking help it, and so he did and then the fist came down like he knew it would and the breath exploded out of him and when finally the air rushed back into his lungs it wasn’t air at all, it was the ocean drowning him like when he’d swum out too far from the beach at Goa and he’d started panicking and going under and didn’t know which way the shore was or which way was up or down and he was sure he was going to die this time and the water kept coming and he was retching and convulsing and pulling at the restraints and his wrists were burning with the pain as he yanked and yanked and his eyes were bulging and the water just kept fucking coming and he couldn’t breathe God I can’t breathe I can’t get to shore I can’t breathe I’m drowning here and it kept coming and every time he coughed he just sucked more water in and no air until he wasn’t coughing, wasn’t coughing, wasn’t breathing, and the world was going gray and he was going under the waves now and he couldn’t fucking breathe and God help me I’m going to die I’m going to die I’m going under, going to drown here can’t get to shore can’t get up to the air going to drown going to die and then the world jerked around him and even as he was dying he felt the gurney snap all the way to upright and his head snapped back and he was vertical – the emergency position emergency dear God I’m really dying.

They’ve lost it they’ve fucked up I’m really gonna die.

A fist slammed into his gut and he still couldn’t fucking breathe.

Gonna die here gonna die.

The fist slammed into him again and he tried to cough the water out but he still couldn’t fucking breathe and he tried to let go and give into it and live his last seconds on earth in peace but he just couldn’t do it.

Sweet Jesus I’m sorry I’m so sorry. Please I don’t wanna die.

Then the fist slammed into his gut a third time and he coughed out fluid and gasped for air and then he retched and his stomach convulsed and he was puking again, puking into the mask, into the mask, still dying.