I wish it to be placed on record at the very start of this report that I, that is me, Josef Snitsch, Police Sergeant, holder of the Cadets’ Neatness and Smart Turn-Out Award (2nd Class), officer in charge of the Police Station at Karlstein, told my constable, Alphonse Winkelburg, Police Constable, that there was to be no eating on duty.

I told him most particular about this, as I have had trouble with this constable in the past. There was an occasion when he was unable to draw his truncheon with the maximum effectiveness, as laid down in the Police Handbook, due to the presence of a meat pie in the operative hand; and the felon we was attempting to apprehend on that occasion got away scot-free.

So I said to the aforesaid constable before I left the guardroom that he was to be stern and vigilant, and not to let a crumb pass his lips, due to the Cabinet of Wonders what he had to guard.

The aforesaid Cabinet was took into custody following the disappearance of its owner, a Doctor Crackanutsi, an Italian. The aforesaid Doctor Catchanitsi had vanished under suspicious circumstances following the false alarm of a fire at the Jolly Huntsman. His Cabinet was arrested instead, him not being there to arrest, and held in the Police Station pending further developments.

This was a dangerous mission for Constable Winkelburg, him not being very swift either in wind or limb and the Cabinet being furnished with all manner of foreign devices and articles of a suspicious nature, rendering it highly risky to touch it. While we was conveying it to the Police Station, Constable Winkelburg accidentally touched a hidden spring what released an unexpected jet of ink what I was not expecting and so was unable to avoid. Some rowdy bystanders had to be severely reprimanded for appearing to find this amusing.

The aforesaid ink having rendered my face temporarily unsuitable for the efficient performance of my duties as laid down in the Police Handbook, I left Constable Winkelburg on guard, as described above, warning him sternly against eating on duty, and removed myself to the washroom of the Police Station in order to remove the ink by which I had been defaced. Before going out, however, I removed my helmet and placed it in the bracket designed to hold it. (This bracket is my own design. Drawing enclosed.* It is my belief that, if adopted, this bracket would increase the efficiency of the Police Force one hundredfold. The principle is simple. By placing all unattended business in the upturned helmet the owner is unable to wear it until dealt with. I bring this to the attention of the Authorities not in the hope of profit but in the interests of efficiency.)