Rusty’s charm had worked its way into my soul, and then there was this small part of me that wanted both—of course we all want everything at the same time, don’t we? For as long as we can have it.

There I was at an outdoor band party with Rusty as Hutch drove by. Of course I didn’t know this—how could I have? But does it matter what we do or don’t know as we make our choices?

And that night I did make a choice.

The band had been playing Rolling Stones cover songs, and somewhere in the middle of “Wild Horses,” Rusty pulled me close. The first kiss wasn’t tentative or soft—it was a claim made. I belonged to him. I knew this with certainty even as I wouldn’t admit it to anyone else for months. I had started to like Rusty; I knew the feeling—the need to be by his side, the need to touch him, taste his kiss, hear his voice. I fought the emotions, knowing that in dating Rusty, I would lose Hutch. Even now I don’t fully understand how my heart wandered, but somehow Mother’s words about what was and was not best for me became a seed that grew into a solid tree of doubt.

A few nights later, Hutch and I stood on the outside staircase of my apartment. I shivered in my winter coat covering a thin nightgown. “Ellie, go inside. You’ll get sick.” His voice was as cold as the pewter air.

“Please, Hutch. Don’t go. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t make this worse. It’s obvious where you want to be, Ellie.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just so messed up, so confused.”

“I’m not a last resort option. I never will be.”

“What? You don’t love me anymore? Can you say that?”

“This has nothing to do with how I feel. This has to do with what I have to do, not with how I feel. You obviously want to be with him. And I’m not here to be the second-place winner. I’m not here for you when there’s nothing better to do; when you’ve been to the fancy lake house and the fraternity formal ball and the black-tie fund-raiser.”

“You don’t trust me.” I threw the accusation at him, as if he’d been the one to kiss another girl on the front lawn of the fraternity house.

“I just saw you making out with Rusty Calvin in front of a hundred people. Yes, Ellie, trust might be an issue.”

“Me? Me? You dated me for two years without once telling me you’d been to jail. You want to fight about trust?”