“No, come on, Joe, none of that government secret crap is worth my time. But, hey, do you want to know how NASA faked the moon landing?”

“What?”

“A joke. I’m joking.”

“Don’t joke like that. You, uh, were joking, right?”

“I can show you close-ups of the Apollo 11 landing site, from sensors on the Flying Dutchman, if you like. I looked at that site yesterday.”

Curiosity overcame my fear. “What does it look like?”

“Your species is way more brave than smart. I take space travel for granted, but your astronauts went up there in tin soup cans. Even I am impressed. You can almost read the Campbell’s soup label on their landers, next to the NASA logo. Man, you monkey seriously had balls to land on your moon with that crappy technology.”

“Great, thank you. Can you please, please leave the National Security Agency alone? For me?”

“Why? I’m having fun. I haven’t had fun in, like, millions of years!”

“There are other ways to have fun, Skippy, that don’t involve me going to federal prison.”

“You got out of prison before. Twice.”

“Can you be serious for a minute? I’m enlisted in the US Army, I can’t be part of screwing with America’s security infrastructure.”

“But causing trouble is so much fun.” Skippy grumbled.

“You want to have fun causing trouble? Go online and start a credible rumor that Justin Beiber is going to play Darth Vader in the next Star Wars movie.” I suggested.

“Oooooh, good one! I knew there’s a reason I hang around you, Joe. Ok, I just put fourteen minutes of what looks like pirated studio footage online-“

I slapped my forehead. “Oh my God, what have I done?”

“And I released an FDA study that Vegemite works better than Viagra-“

“Stop it! I’m taking a shower, try not to launch any nukes while I’m gone.”

“You know I wouldn’t hurt anyone, Colonel Joe. Hmm, how about-“

I shut the door and headed down the hall to the bathrooms, wondering if I had time to buy stock in whatever company made Vegemite.