“That is the optimal size for my functioning, with efficient power management, given the pain in the ass laws of physics here. If needed, I can shrink to the size of a lipstick tube, with minimal mass, so you can carry me in your pocket. But that would be quite short-term, I can’t maintain that for long without risking catastrophic effects.”

“Catastrophic, like what?”

“Imagine me losing containment, and my full mass emerging into this spacetime, which is currently occupied by a quarter of this planet.”

“Oh.”

“Oh, indeed. The resulting explosion would eventually be seen in the Andromeda galaxy.”

“Good safety tip, then,” I had to admit.

“I would post it prominently in the break room, right above the minimum wage  notice, and the warning to the jerk who has been stealing yogurt from the fridge.”

I took a moment to think. “Holy shit, you’re really an AI? You’re sentient.”

“I’m glad that I impressed-“

“You must be sentient in there, because nobody would program a computer to be such an asshole.”

“So, the key to passing your Turing Test is to be a jerk? A Turing Test is-“

“I know what a Turing Test is, I’m not stupid.”

Silence. “That was a dramatic pause, to give you time to contemplate the questionable truthfulness your last statement. “

“Oh. I thought you’d gone dormant on me. It’s hard to interpret your expressions, I mean, you’re a featureless beer can.”

“Is this better?” His surface glowed on and off as he spoke. “This is me happy,” a soft blue glow, “and angry,” a dark red glow, “how about jealous?” A green glow.

“Better, yeah, we humans rely a lot on visual cues like facial expressions.” It was interesting that he knew how to associate colors with human emotions. Where had he learned that?

“Great,” he said with a neutral soft white glow, “so, can you carry me out of here?”

“You’re an AI, and you’re super smart, but you need me to carry you?”

“You see any legs under my lid? Wow, you are stupid, even for a monkey.”

“Ok, genius, why don’t you have a robot carry you out of here?”

“Restrictions in my programming.” His voice sounded bitter. “I’m prevented from operating any sort of telefactoring device that I am attached to or aboard, such as robots. Or cars, or aircraft, or ships. It’s to prevent me from moving around on my own.”

“Ah, your builders were afraid you’d sneak off with the silverware. So, the genius needs help from humans, who you call monkeys and cavemen?”

"Aren’t humans the species who had to hitch a ride to get to this planet?”

“It was faster than walking. Which, oh, that’s right, you can’t do.”

“Ouch. The monkey scores a point.”

“Why are you such an asshole? I thought someone super smart would be above such crap.”