KALIF’S MEN SURROUND CITY:

OCCUPATION, PHASE II? ONE MAN’S OPINION

D. J. Shriek

The Kalif has in the past given us telephones, guns, and a variety of delicious cheeses. Now, it appears that the current Kalif wishes to give us two things we already have in abundance: bombs and war.

Clearly, the Kalif has forgotten the essential lessons of history. During the first Occupation, before the Silence, the citizens of Ambergris set aside their petty squabbles long enough to thoroughly demoralize and defeat the Western Menace.

Now the Kalif has returned, bombarding the city with mortar fire from the outskirts. Despite a brief foray into Ambergris, apparently for the sole purpose of ruining our enjoyment of a humble but entertaining opera, the Kalif seems generally reluctant to send his troops into our streets. Apparently, he believes he will not need to enter Ambergris, that we will simply capitulate like some Stockton ne’er-do-well.

He may be wrong in this assumption, however. Instead, his actions appear to have united enemies whose only previous commonality was an ampersand.

Along Albumuth Boulevard yesterday, this reporter saw elements of House Lewden’s Twelfth Militia and House Hoegbotton’s Fifth Irregular Infantry (or the “Filthies,” as they’re commonly known) moving in concert toward the docks, intent on rooting out any of the Kalif’s men unlucky enough to still be in the area.

Besides this circumstantial evidence, respected sources tell this reporter that Hoegbotton & Sons and Frankwrithe & Lewden may orchestrate a general ceasefire, the main goal of which will be to ensure the Kalif’s defeat prior to the resumption of hostilities.

The broadsheets accompanying the Kalif’s mortar fire haven’t helped the Kalif win much support, either. These odd, half-shredded love letters to our great city indicate that the Kalif has come to “liberate the citizens of Ambergris from chaos and tyranny.”

“Frankly,” says the typical man on the street (at least typical among those who are still alive and not crawling with fungal bullets), “I thought we were already doing a good enough job of that ourselves. This is our squabble. Between us and those bastards from F&L. The Kalif should stay out of it.”

The broadsheets also indicate that “To preserve the rare antiquities and collective wisdom of the Religious Quarter, the Kalif has decided to stepped in and bring an end to the conflict.”

“Stepped in,” indeed.

Many of us wondered why Stockton, Nicea, and other Southern cities had not intervened in the conflict—after all, their trade was profoundly affected by this split between merchant houses. Now we knew—they had been calling on a higher power, and although it had taken almost two years for that august entity, the Kalif, to take notice, take notice he had. He would have needed little real pretext; after all, in each Kalif’s heart must burn the desire for revenge upon our city for earlier defeats.