Luna disappeared with the fish. “Um, excuse me,” a boy in his twenties said. He’d been waiting behind Love Potion Guy for five minutes, tapping his foot. “Do you have—”

“No,” I said, and turned back to Love Potion Guy. “I can’t help you, and I guarantee that if you try to go through with this plan it’ll make things worse. Just sort things out the normal way.”

Love Potion Guy stared at me hopelessly. “I can’t.”

Mr. Impatient started up again. “Excuse me, I need—”

“I don’t have them,” I said.

Luna stuck her head back in. “Hey, Alex?”

“Now what?”

“There’s about a dozen more fish in your bedroom.”

I closed my eyes. “Please tell me you’re making this up.”

“Yup.”

I opened my eyes and stared at her. Luna was grinning. “Couldn’t resist, sorry. First fish was real, though. I put it in the fridge.”

I took a deep breath, mentally calculating throwing angles between the items within reach and Luna’s head, but she beat a quick retreat. “Listen,” Love Potion Guy began again.

“No,” I said. “You’ve told me that story twice and a third time’s not going to help.”

“I need—” Mr. Impatient began.

“I already told you, I don’t have them.”

“You haven’t—”

“Doesn’t change the fact that this isn’t that kind of shop.”

“But—”

“They’re real, not fake, and just because I sell knives doesn’t mean I sell cards.”

“Look—” Love Potion Guy said.

I looked back and forth between Love Potion Guy and Mr. Impatient, answering the questions without waiting for them to ask them. “No, no, yes, no, it wouldn’t help, yes every day, it doesn’t matter because I still wouldn’t do it, I’ve already tried that, just try talking to her, first because they’re not profitable enough and second because I don’t care, if you do it’s because they’re trying to con you, the Magic Box on the other side of Camden and here’s one of their cards.” I dropped a business card into Mr. Impatient’s hand and looked between them. They were staring at me. “Are we done here? Because there’s a guy behind you who wants to find out how much money he’s been left in a will and he’s not going to take no for an answer either.”

We weren’t done. Getting rid of the whole crowd took the best part of an hour, but at least the crazies all left at more or less the same time, possibly because of some weird kind of magnetic principle. By the time Luna came back, the shop was empty. I was slumped in the chair and gave her a glower. “Sorry,” Luna said in an I’m-not-sorry-at-all tone.

“Funny how you always time your jokes for when I’m too busy to go after you.”