Art Collection

I was expecting to see The Palace of Eighteen Perfections in the pride of place at your apartment. Where is it? I would suggest integrating a few important works of art into your collection. The contemporary Chinese artists are completely overbought at the moment, and don’t even get me started on the Americans. But German photography might be an interesting option for you—I think it would give your collection some sorely needed gravitas and gain you notice in serious collector circles if you were to possess one of Thomas Struth’s epic images of pharmaceutical plants, Candida Höfer’s riveting studies of municipal libraries in Lower Saxony, or a delightful grouping of rusting water towers by Bernd und Hilla Becher.

Household

I am very pleased to observe that your domestic help are well treated and have actual bedrooms. (You wouldn’t believe how many people I personally know who force their helpers^*2 to sleep in spaces no larger than closets or pantry rooms, and yet have spare bedrooms filled with clothes, shoes, or Lladro figurines.) Instead of making them wear those French maid uniforms, might I suggest a smart modern uniform of navy blouses and white cotton slacks from J. Crew? Remember—your domestic helpers will talk with other domestic helpers on their days off, and having a reputation as a benevolent mistress will only further your cause.

TRANSPORT

Automobiles

You should no longer be chauffeured around in that Rolls-Royce. I have always felt that unless one is either over sixty years of age or in possession of a silver helmet of hair that resembles Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II’s, being seen in a Rolls is completely ridiculous. Instead, please purchase a Mercedes S-Class, Audi A8, or BMW 7 Series like everyone else. (Or if you are feeling particularly brave, a Volkswagen Phaeton.) We can discuss the possibility of a Jaguar after one year, depending on your social standing then.

Aircraft

Your Gulfstream V is perfectly acceptable. (Please do not upgrade to the GVI yet, at least until Yolanda Kwok takes delivery of hers. She will be furious if you get one before she does and will block your Chinese Athletic Association membership application.)

DINING

The restaurants that you customarily patronize are deplorable. They are filled with nothing but expats, soap opera stars, social climbers, and—most disagreeable of all—foodies. As part of my new campaign to associate you only with establishment circles, you can no longer risk being seen at any trendy “culinary destinations.” If a restaurant is less than two years old or has been featured in Hong Kong Tattle or Pinnacle Magazine in the past eighteen months, I consider it trendy. Please see APPENDIX B for a list of approved dining clubs and restaurants with private dining rooms. Six months from now, if I feel that you have reached a certain threshold of social acceptability, I will arrange for you to be snapped by paparazzi eating a bowl of wonton noodles at a dai pai dong.^*3 This will do wonders for your image, and I can already picture the headline: “Social Goddess Unafraid to Dine with the Masses.”