Your long jet-black hair is one of your best features, but the high ponytails and dramatic updos you currently favor convey a look of aggression. When you enter a room, the ladies immediately think, “This woman is either going to steal my husband, my baby, or my yoga mat.” I recommend wearing your hair down in a more layered look for most occasions, and swept into a relaxed low chignon for formal occasions. Your hair also needs to be colored to add some brown lowlights, as this will soften your features overall. I will refer you to Ricky Tseung at ModaBeauty on Seymour Terrace in Mid-Levels. You are no doubt accustomed to some overpriced salon located in one of the fancier hotels, but trust me, Ricky is someone you must cultivate. Not only is he a bargain, he is the hairdresser of choice to ladies from the best families—Fiona Tung-Cheng, Mrs. Francis Liu, Marion Hsu. When you first meet Ricky, tell him absolutely nothing about yourself (he will already know far too much). Over time, I will craft anecdotes that you can share with him (i.e., your daughter’s ability to sing “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly” in a perfect Cockney accent, the injured Siamese cat that you rescued, anonymously paying for a former teacher’s chemotherapy bills, etc.). These tales will make their way into the ears of all the right ladies. Note: You do not need to tip Ricky, since he is the owner of the salon. But occasionally, you can feed him some Cadbury chocolate. He loves expensive chocolates!

Makeup

Your makeup, unfortunately, requires a complete overhaul. The tofu-milk skin and cherry-red lips no longer suit you—now that you are a respectable wife and mother, it is essential that you no longer appear like the unattainable object of fantasy for pubescent boys. We need to create a visage that is pleasing and nonthreatening to well-bred women of all age groups. You want your color and complexion to look as if you only spent fifty seconds on it because you were too busy repotting tulips in your garden. I will accompany you to Germaine, my beauty consultant at the Elizabeth Arden counter at Sogo Causeway Bay. (You need not actually buy all your new products at Arden—they are far too overpriced. We can pick up new cosmetics at Mannings Pharmacy, but you will buy one or two lipsticks at Arden in order to qualify for the free consultation and makeover. I may also have an additional coupon for a free gift with purchase—please remind me.)

Other Grooming Suggestions

Discontinue the use of nail polish in red or any shades of red. (Yes, pink is a shade of red.) This is nonnegotiable—you must remember that we have the Herculean task of removing any connotations of talons, claws, or grasping hands from your person. If I could get you to wear white gloves or wrap your fingers in rosary beads all the time, I would. From now on, get used to nude nails or monochromatic tones of beige. For special occasions, Jin Soon’s “Nostalgia” is a shade of pink beige polish that I will allow.