Maybe there was still some hope for the future, Andi thought as she went to bed that night. Other women got over being raped. So could she. Only, other women could remember what had happened. She couldn’t and her imagination painted new horrors every time she tried to sleep. She was most worried of all that whoever it was might have taken photos of her, photos that one day other people would see.

Stop that, she told herself. Don’t go there.

She woke in the middle of the night with her throat feeling raw and realised she’d been screaming. Since she’d had to leave a lamp switched on, she could see her mother kneeling by her bed.

‘Oh, darling!’

‘I thought I was getting over it,’ she sobbed against her mother’s beautiful purple dressing gown.

‘You are. But you’ll be having mood swings for a while yet, I should think.’

‘Why don’t they catch him?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I’m sure it’d be easier to get over it if he’d been arrested. Then I’d know he’d be punished, at least, that he wouldn’t come after me to gloat, or attack me again.’

‘Shh now. You’re safe here. I’ll sit with you for a while and you can let yourself drift off to sleep.’

Andi didn’t manage to sleep but she could see her mother trying to stifle yawns, so pretended to doze off.

After the door had clicked shut she lay for ages, wide awake, trying to keep the horrible thoughts at bay, glad of the lamp, longing for morning. Things never seemed quite as bad in daylight.

Or when you were playing with little children. Strange, that.

Chapter Sixteen

The following day, Donna rang up with the name of a counsellor who was very highly thought of and might be able to help Andi. She hesitated then asked, ‘You don’t think Andi would like a part-time job, do you? Is she up to it yet? You must say if she isn’t.’

‘Doing what?’

‘Stand-in nanny so that Jane can have a few hours off to meet her niece tomorrow. Tom’s doing some work for Jez, so it’d be a big help.’

‘Why not ask her yourself?’ Sophie passed the phone to her daughter and went into her office.

Andi came to find her a few minutes later, looking a little brighter. ‘I said yes.’

‘Great. They’re lovely kids.’

‘It feels strange to think of earning money by babysitting again. But Donna is offering a lot more money than I used to earn. They’re lovely kids and being with them makes me feel better.’ She stared down at the floor, avoiding her mother’s eyes. ‘It’s a real step in moving on, don’t you think, doing this?’

‘Yes. And it hurts to move on, but you can’t wallow in misery for ever – though it’s very early days for you yet. I felt a bit like that after your father died. Each new thing I did hurt, because Bill wasn’t there to do them with me, and yet I didn’t intend to wither away because I was on my own.’