“NO! NO! NO!” She swatted us like flies, practically falling out of her car in the process. She was still wearing her robe and the chicken salad—making the whole scenario unquestionably the weirdest one I’d witnessed to date.

“Are you OK, Judge?” I asked.

“Where are they? Where is the moron who did this?” she demanded angrily. I considered shoving a mirror in her disheveled face. Three cops slowly walked over. They had reason to be apprehensive. Rabies wasn’t out of the question.

“Ma’am, we’re going to have to talk to you.” One reached for her shoulder.

“You will not talk to me. I want to know who’s responsible. I AM A FEDERAL JUDGE!” she yelled, yanking her arm away. These guys couldn’t have cared if she were Playboy’s Playmate of the Year. They’d just spent the past two hours redirecting traffic from Market, the main artery of Philly, during rush hour. I smiled on the inside while maintaining a stern poker face. She was aghast.

“Maybe you didn’t hear me. I AM A FED-ER-AL JUDGE.” The tallest and youngest-looking one stepped forward. He had a crew cut and was rather handsome in a cheesy sort of way. He was pissed. And tired.

“Ma’am, you drove into a hole that was clearly marked off-limits. I don’t care who you are.” He reached rather roughly for her arm. She jerked it away again. I was thrilled at the prospect of watching her take on—and take out—the young, buff cop.

“Helga? Helga?” It was Judge Fleck and he was crossing the street.

“Richard—THANK GOD!” She hugged him and shot the rookie an evil eye. Now the poor guy had two old people with massive egos to deal with. Judge Fleck leaned over and grabbed the cop’s hand.

“Hello, son. What’s going on?”

The cop pointed to Friedman.

“This woman. The federal judge decided to plow through various traffic signs and landed inside that manhole. We’re all lucky nobody was down there. My brother was working in there and left just a half hour earlier. She’s lucky she didn’t hurt him.” He was seething now.

“Well, I don’t have TIME for traffic signs. I am rilly busy. Maybe you’d understand if you knew anything about JUDGES. Or knew anything about ANYTHING important.” Judge Fleck took her aside, right next to me.

“Helga, you are going to be thrown in jail. Just be agreeable and I’ll get you out of this. Now PLEASE just keep your mouth shut.” Tall order for the short lady. He went back to the cop. She played coy and started smiling, strangely resembling my friend Anna’s drunk nana from Duluth.