“Frankly, I can just imagine what that would do to habeas!” Brian tipped his fedora for effect. Everyone was mesmerized. Was anyone going to point out the obvious—namely, that Brian was full of bull? While I was the first to believe that Bowers v. Hardwick, the notorious Supreme Court case upholding sodomy laws, should be overturned, I was unaware of anyone wasting away in prison on sodomy charges. After all, the writ of habeas corpus allowed courts to release prisoners who were being held in violation of the U.S. Constitution. Prisons were filled with drug dealers, not fashion-forward queens.

“Actually, I doubt it’d do anything to habeas,” I blurted out, hoping that pragmatism was still worth something. From the looks of utter disgust all around, you would have thought I’d said I ate shit sandwiches for breakfast, which incidentally didn’t seem so bad compared to the Continental’s signature “Oriental Ginger Noodle Salad.”

“Clearly, you don’t have a handle on habeas,” Brian sneered.

“The Great Writ serves as a crucial check on constitutional rights. You are obviously not a scholar of Justice Brennan,” Georgetown Jeff added. Scalia was one thing, but why did he drag dearly-departed Brennan into this? And had Brian actually used the words “the Great Writ”? This was definitely worse than the special two-hour Con Law class on public v. private nuisance (this crowd seemed to fall into both categories). I was speechless. Unfortunately, my silent astonishment lent support to the peanut gallery’s theory that I didn’t know what I was talking about.

“I don’t think Sheila’s comment is a reflection of her understanding of habeas at all,” Matthew said. Everyone snapped to attention, as these were the first words Matthew had spoken. “I think that all she was saying is that sodomists are typically not in jail, meaning not many people actually get arrested and convicted for sodomy. As such, habeas wouldn’t apply to them,” Matthew explained methodically.

“That’s exactly what I meant,” I followed up, shooting a grateful smile at Matthew, who quickly returned to his plate-stare position. “Actually, I was reading a New York Times article last week which said it took Lambda years to even find a test case to challenge Bowers.” This was the truth. Lambda, a nonprofit organization supporting gay/lesbian rights, had searched high and low for someone who’d been arrested for sodomy the minute Bowers came down. It had taken nearly a decade.

“I should know about test cases. After all, I did work at the ACLU for a summer and will definitely be back this time next year,” Brian bragged. I felt sick. The first time Brian mentioned he’d worked at the ACLU, it never occurred to me that he’d actually want to return.