“Conor went, ‘Why? Jenny, Christ, what happened?’”

Jenny made a painful scraping sound that could have been some kind of laugh. “If we’d had a month or two, then maybe … I just went, ‘No ambulance. Please.’ Conor went, ‘Wait. Hang on. Hang on,’ and he laid me down and crawled over to Pat. He turned Pat’s head and he did something, I don’t know what, tried to open his eyes or something—he didn’t say anything but I saw his face, I saw the look on his face, so I knew. I was glad about that, at least.”

I wondered how many times Conor had re-run those few minutes in his head, staring at the ceiling of his cell, changing a different tiny thing each time: If I hadn’t fallen asleep. If I had got up the second I heard noises. If I had run faster. If I hadn’t fumbled getting the key in the door. If he had made it into that kitchen just a few minutes earlier, he would have been in time to save Pat, at least.

Jenny said, “But then Conor—he started trying to stand up. He was trying to pull himself up on the computer desk—he kept falling back, like he was slipping on the blood or maybe he was dizzy, but I could tell he was aiming for the kitchen door. He was trying to go upstairs. I got hold of him, the leg of his trousers, and I went, ‘No. Don’t go up there. They’re dead too. I had to get them out.’ Conor—he just went down on his hands and knees. He said—he had his head down, but I heard him anyway—he said, ‘Ah, Jesus Christ.’”

Up until then he must have thought it was a domestic fight turned terrible, love transformed under all those tons of pressure into something diamond-hard that sliced flesh and bone. Maybe he had even thought it was self-defense, that Pat’s mind had boiled over at last and he had gone for Jenny. Once she told him about the children, there had been no place left for answers, for comfort, for ambulances or doctors or tomorrows.

“I went, ‘I need to be with the babies. I need to be with Pat. Please, Conor, please, get me out of here.’

“Conor made this coughing noise, like he was going to get sick. He said, ‘I can’t.’ He sounded like he was hoping this was all some kind of nightmare, like he was trying to find some way to wake up and make it all go away. I managed to get over closer to him—I had to drag myself, my legs had gone all numb and shaky. I got hold of his wrist and I went, ‘Conor, you have to. I can’t stay here. Please hurry. Please.’”

Jenny’s voice was fading, barely more than a hoarse flicker of sound; she was at the end of her strength. “He sat down beside me, and he turned my head so my face was against his chest again. He said, ‘It’s OK. It’s OK. Close your eyes.’ He was stroking my hair. I said, ‘Thank you,’ and I shut my eyes.”