The radio, barely audible, changes from a toothpaste commercial to a classical piano piece. We lie there, letting ourselves be enveloped in the notes and the whoosh of passing cars. I feel my insides shattering a little, imagining what Ellie went through. Again that sense of unfairness rises from my stomach. Nobody should have to go through anything like that, especially not someone like Ellie, someone as warm as the baked foods she gets excited about, who always seems to know what the people around her need, even if it’s just a road trip game or a bag of chips. More than anyone, Ellie deserves that rainbow-cotton-candy world Ruth is always teasing me about. Nobody hurting her. I scoot closer to her and she puts her arm around me and I lay my head on her shoulder.

This is when words are not enough. You are very brave, I want to say. I am so sorry. I don’t know how anyone could hurt you. But the words don’t come close to what I really mean.

“I … wasn’t sleeping for a long time. I felt … I wasn’t sleeping, but I just felt so tired of everything. I just wanted everything to be quiet and leave me alone, and at the same time, I didn’t want to feel alone. But it wasn’t even as … as clear as that. I wanted to be sad, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be angry, but I was just too … too worn down. Sometimes I would start getting ready and would just look in the mirror and think, what’s the point. Sofia told me that my brain was living in that space between a dull reality and this … glittering, shining perfection I expected life to be. Felt betrayed when it wasn’t the bright, golden light I had envisioned. It took me years to figure that one out. How to spot the little tiny gems and jewels of life again. Sofia was an important part of that. She’s why Darcy’s middle name is Sofia.”

Bright, golden light.

Something glittering, shining.