We’re all laughing when the waiter comes to refill our drinks. Even Ruth manages a short snicker, and I’m glad. Maybe she’s just been tired, or fighting off a summer cold or something like that. I’m still not exactly sure where the signs are pointing—normal blahs, virus, bad day, or something else. I’m still watching the signs.

And tonight, at this restaurant, I’m hopeful. It’s sometimes a struggle for Sick Ruth to muster energy or interest in what’s going on, even when it’s something Healthy Ruth normally likes, so I’m taking her investment in the meal and the conversation as some good signs, and I relax a little.

I decide I like this restaurant a lot. The dark wood tables are classic, but the neon signs and posters crowding the walls and the chattering from all the tables around us add a casual, easy air. The sweet potato that comes with my ribs is overflowing with butter and cinnamon and marshmallow. The talking subsides, the sign of a good meal. It sort of fills you up all the way to your fingertips, and then you get into a rhythm.

Darcy is the first to break the silence. “So remind me what you guys are doing while you’re here?”

“Oh yeah,” Ellie says. “What was that museum you were asking about, Olivia?”

“Ooh!” Darcy interjects. “We should go to the aquarium! It’s an absolutely awesome one.”

“Aquarium?” Ruth says, picking apart a roll. “That sounds cool.”

Ellie’s looking at me and my brain starts clicking fast. If Ruth seems interested in something, that’s important. Yes, the museum has dinosaur bones, like last time, but it doesn’t have to be exactly the same, does it? All it needs is Ruth and Something Old. I could figure out something else, couldn’t I? If Ruth wants to go to the aquarium?

“Yeah,” I say. “The aquarium sounds great.”

There’s another thought in my head, telling me Something New already didn’t go how I wanted, and now this, and don’t I always end up compromising on what I really want? And then another thought. An even less happy thought. A question, wondering if Ruth would have thought the aquarium sounded cool if I’d been the one to suggest it.

Are these thoughts really me? What about the other thoughts, already beginning to flip through my mind, confident I can think of something great, even if it’s not dinosaurs? Both voices are playing their song loudly in my mind, like earbuds playing a different song in each ear.

Darcy says something to Ruth, and Ruth laughs. Regardless of the confusing jumble in my head, there’s a relief that comes anytime Ruth is happy. I home in on that and try my best to make my mental earbuds play that song the loudest.