“I know what he did to you. I heard how you came to be married.” She shows me the scars on my left hand. “I need to ask you myself, without him or anyone around… if he comes here… do you want him to remain your husband? Don’t—” She holds up her hand when I try to answer. “Don’t say anything until I’m finished. Please.”

“Okay.” I remember this about her too, the gently stern voice a child cannot resist, even when she’s grown up.

“You need to think before you answer.”

“I will.”

Nothing will change my response, but I can still think about it.

“If you could live a free life without him. If you could be by yourself without a husband at all. If you could find happiness and fulfillment and safety without Dario Lucari… would you? Your heart’s desire can be yours and yours alone. Think first, Sarah. Take a deep breath and imagine you belong… you belong just because you do, and you don’t need him or any man.”

I have to pause before answering anyway, so I spend that time considering the question.

I envision myself on this beach without him in my life. I’m doing things that are mundane to outsiders. Driving to the store. Buying fruit. Walking in the garden. I make them more banal. Cooking. Eating breakfast. Dressing. Reading a book. Existing under the crystal blue sky.

But what about the bad times? The boring. Cleaning the bathroom. The painful. Being sick. Giving birth. I imagine going through all of it without him.

What about the desires of my heart? I’m painting a huge canvas. Going into a trance-like state and drawing whatever comes into my mind. I close my eyes and build the feeling of living this way.

“Yes.” The affirmation comes from a place so deep inside me, I don’t even think about saying it before I do. Opening my eyes, I meet my beautiful mother’s gaze. “It would be a good life.”

“You can have it.”

“I don’t want it. I want him. I know I’d be fine without him. I could even be happy. I have love in me. It fits inside me. But Mom, I was taught to love a man. I was raised to be good at only that one thing. He’s taught me how to be so much more, and the more capable I am… I know that being able to live without my husband is supposed to make me love him less, but that’s not what’s happening. Everything I learn, everything he teaches me… everything I’ve learned by myself because he’s convinced I’m capable, none of that pulls me away from him. The more free I am to live in the world, the more free I am to love him. If I can’t love him, I’m not really free.”