Even with their torture, which was plainly evident in the picture of her, she hadn’t betrayed him or his friends. She could have destroyed them all and saved herself.

Or at least quickened her death.

She hadn’t. To the very end, she’d been loyal to him…

Pain racked him in a way it never had before. His senses reeled as dizziness blurred his vision. It hurt so much and so deeply that he wasn’t sure how he remained on his feet.

I failed her.

The one person in this world he should have protected above all others, had been brutalized and murdered by his enemies while he’d been powerless to find her and stop them.

In that one moment of soul-splintering agony, he had total clarity over what Zarya had gone through while she’d searched for Kere. No wonder she hadn’t checked on him as a political prisoner under the care of her men. She’d been right. The fear and desperation were all consuming. That horrific need to find the one you loved while you imagined what was being done to them…

This awful, sickening sensation of knowing they were out there and you couldn’t get to them while life went on. You still had to pay bills and attend to daily matters that seemed so trivial and inconsequential.

But they had to be done. The world didn’t give a shit when you were aching and lost. When the one person you needed and loved most was no longer with you, it didn’t affect them at all.

Only your world was shattered beyond repair.

And then the absolute, impotent anguish that came when you saw the confirmation of your worst fears…

He couldn’t take his eyes off her battered face.

Damn you all!

This was so much worse than what they’d done to him. He would much rather be back in that room, having Pip feed him shit than to be here right now, knowing he’d never see Zarya again.

She’s gone.

Forever…

Having lived solely for her, how could he go back to living without her? She had been the only light in his darkness. When he had been lost to a place so dismal not even Maris could pull him out, she alone had returned him to sanity and given him sunshine again.

And he’d wasted so much precious time with her letting his hurt stand between them.

If I could just have one more hour back…

He wouldn’t squander it by holding past mistakes against her. Rather he would revel in the miracle that he’d had her at all. That somehow, against all odds, two lost and battered souls had found each other, and there for one moment in time, had managed to be happy together.

Why did I waste it?

Why?

Maris moved forward to hold him tight. “Breathe, baby. Just breathe.”

Darling couldn’t. Not while his soul screamed out in the bitterest agony he’d ever tasted. A thousand memories tore through him at once. He saw Zarya’s eyes light and happy as she teased him late at night. Her face as she looked up at him with an adoration no one else had ever given him.