“And when I didn’t come?”

“In the beginning, I clung to my anger—the same way I survived the mental institutions. I told myself that I was going to get out and then I’d have the throat of everyone who’d hurt me. But the bad thing about anger is that it’s not sustainable. Eventually it burns out and the pain swallows it until there’s nothing left but a hollow shell. All you want is to die and when you know you can’t, you find this fucked-up place inside you where all you do is survive. Minute by minute. Second by second. You try not to think about anything or feel anything. You just get through it one heartbeat at a time, as numb as possible.”

“You so didn’t deserve it.”

“No one does, Zarya. But sooner or later, no matter who you are, life uses everyone as its whipping boy. You didn’t deserve to lose your family or be given to a slaver. You damn sure didn’t deserve to have your brother die in your arms.”

No, but it wasn’t the same. While Gerrit still haunted her, none of those had been the unrelenting hell of excruciating pain he’d lived through. He’d had no let up at all. And that was what amazed her about his strength.

“I love you, Darling.”

He nuzzled her hair with his cheek. “I love you, too.”

Zarya savored the feeling of his fingers brushing through her hair as his heart thumped slow and steady beneath her cheek. And as she inhaled the warm scent of his skin, she understood what he’d meant. She, too, would walk through hell itself so long as she knew he was on the other side.

She never wanted to hurt him again. But as her gaze went to the computer that had begun to play another news segment, she cringed. While they weren’t physically flogging him, this was every bit as unrelenting.

And it, too, was because of her. Why do I have to cause him so much pain? Shouldn’t love be easy?

Suddenly a whiny voice filled the room. It was a tech worker being interviewed by a reporter. “I think the governor is insane and shouldn’t be in power. While I was never fond of the Grand Counsel, he didn’t scare me. This new governor terrifies the daylights out of me. What with all that happened tonight, I’m afraid to let my family out of my house. We can’t go to war with everyone. Someone ought to tell the governor that. We need a leader who isn’t crazy.”

Darling groaned out loud before he reached to close the computer. “I’m thinking I should blow up the CDS building to give them something else to focus on.”

She snorted. “Call me whacky, but I don’t thinking killing more people is going to allay their insanity fears where you’re concerned.”

“I can wait until the building’s unoccupied… or better yet, call in Giran and Nylan, then set it off.”

She laughed in spite of her tears. With his warm hand, he wiped them from her cheeks.