“You will, Oscar, you will. Okay, so we’ve got a scenario where Guy and Stella are off on their Asian tour, handing out kickbacks right, left and center. Which, of course, is against the law over here and therefore not a legitimate company expense.”

“Yeah, but hang on a minute,” Helen protested. “Every company that works in places like that has to pay kickbacks and bribes. You disguise it in the books. You make it look like something else. Guy told me once the accounts were done on the Asian trip, it would all look kosher. Just like everything we’ve ever done abroad in the past. You’re not going to get him for paying kickbacks.”

“I know that,” Lindsay said, calmly finishing her sandwich and mopping her lips with a paper napkin. Then she beamed at Helen. “What we are going to nail them for is defrauding the VAT and the Inland Revenue.”

For a moment, Helen was speechless. But only for a moment. “Do what?” she said weakly.

“Defrauding the VAT and the tax. If you disguise the kickbacks and bribes as something else in the books, you’re acting fraudulently. Inevitably, you’re making false declarations to the Inland Revenue and to Customs and Excise. It doesn’t matter that everybody does it—when it’s reported to them, they take action all the same. Guy and Stella are not going to know what hit them. You can mess with the law, but you never mess with the VATman and the taxman. Or woman. When I was a freelance, I remember one of the first things my accountant ever told me was never get clever with the VAT. ‘Take out a second mortgage if you have to,’ he told me, ‘but always pay the VATman.’ ”

“You’re out of your mind,” Helen said weakly.

“No, I’m not. Customs and Excise have more powers than the police. They can kick your door down in the middle of the night without a warrant. They can kick your mother’s door down in the middle of the night without a warrant if they have reasonable grounds for suspecting you’ve hidden your second set of books in her linen cupboard. They can freeze your bank accounts and make you a social leper faster than appearing on a daytime game show can.”

“I know all that,” Helen interrupted. “But you seem to be forgetting something here. I’m one of the partners in this company. They go down, I go down.”

Lindsay shook her head. “That’s the beauty of it.” She smiled. “Trust me. What time is this place empty tonight?”