I got plenty of encouragement from Gloria via long distance. Her second had been another boy, and Pat had wanted her to stop there. Her third pregnancy disappointed him, but when it produced twin girls, he cut back on his office hours to spend every available minute with them. Gloria’s favorite story was the one about how Pat liked to sit and watch the babies sleep. One day, he came running out of their room and hustled her back to it. “Come here—listen.” She listened, then asked what the big deal was. “Don’t you hear it? They’re breathing together, in unison!” And he looked down at them as if they were the eighth wonder of the world. I could just picture Frank, Regina and myself pushing each other out of the way to take care of the baby.
But that was not to be the case. When I got the doctor’s confirmation, Frank’s reaction was more than disappointment. It was horror. The color left his face, he stared right through me and said, “But how?”
“The way it usually happens.”
“But how did you let it happen?”
“I just did. My, what a wonderful reception.”
“I’m sorry. But we can’t. . . .”
“Can’t what?”
“Regina’s fifteen!”
“What difference does that make?”
“It’s just so . . . ridiculous.”
“I don’t see what’s ridiculous about it. Do you remember that day you came back from Chicago and we talked about your family?”
He winced. “What have they got to do with this?”
“You made me promise to help you keep them away from us and I agreed. Since then, we haven’t seen hide or hair of any of them. Including Vivian. Maybe that’s the problem. We’ve become so solitary. Barry’s way out in Texas, Neil’s up in Vancouver, my best friend lives thousands of miles away, and we see my parents twice a month at the most. What’s wrong with expanding our own family? I’m sure it’ll be good for Regina.”
“There’s nothing wrong. You’re right.” But there was no conviction in his voice.
Regina’s reaction was not as severe, but it was far from what I wanted. She gave me a long, clinical look and said: “A baby? You’re too old.” After a few weeks she did warm up to the idea, but with more amusement than enthusiasm. Frank said little if anything about it. I had the peculiar feeling he was watching me the same way he had been watching Regina—with panic. I kept telling myself he would change once the baby was born; the fact that the baby was not born showed me how wrong I was. When I lost it in the fourth month, he made a pretense of disappointment. But I could sense his relief. And after the doctor warned me against trying for another, his relief became obvious. I slipped into a quiet depression, which he tried to lift me from with candlelight dinners and little gifts. I didn’t want his offerings of comfort. I began to think that if thoughts could kill, his thoughts had killed the baby. Within a month or so, he went back to keeping unreasonable tabs on Regina, and my feelings of menace returned.