Ronald said he felt sorry for the other passengers. Emma said he shouldn’t feel that way. She said if you talked to anyone long enough they’ll tell you they think about dying. She said that people weren’t afraid of dying, they were afraid of wanting to die. The two were often confused.

206

Then a voice had come over the cabin PA. Emma had been looking forward to this part, it would be the voice of God, she thought. But no. It was the voice of someone called Andrew.

“This is your captain speaking. I would like to welcome you blah blah blah.”

Johansson had changed his shifts.

Emma was disappointed.

Ronald was disappointed.

SA841 landed with barely a bump.

Ronald said he wanted to die on public transport so they took a taxi to the train station. She didn’t want to push him but she would watch if he wanted. He said no. He would feel self-conscious.

Emma understood. She left him there and took the taxi to the Wellington Arms just in time to see John blow his head off for a great big gag.

She left the Wellington and tried to get herself run over in an underpass but the driver was too good.

205

The splitter Johansson. Dishonorable Johansson. She’d rung Penny’s flat.

Sobbing.

“Pick up, you bastard, I know you’re there.”

More sobbing.

“I’m coming back. I’m coming back, okay? Stay where you are. Don’t fucking move.”

She kicked the telephone box. Her trainer flew off.

“Bloody bloody stupid . . .”

More sobs.

“Why is this happening? Penny, don’t let him leave.”

Fip pip pip pip . . .

204

Emma wondered if Graham could be persuaded to ditch in the Atlantic. It was a big ocean, there was always room for one more. She hoped he’d heard the radio broadcast. Hoped he’d fly her into oblivion.

203

Cody fantasized about listening to her own inquest tapes. She imagined the coroner calling Roger Frankburg and Roger Frankburg taking the stand and in a faltering and broken voice tell the court how much he loved his little Lily, how the world was indeed a cruel one to take away one so bright, so loving and so perfect. She imagined the tape picking up sobbing in the courtroom, noses being blown, perhaps even someone breaking down and being led out of the room.

Who would do that though? In the three years as Cody Jameson she’d made some new friends but they knew her as Cody, they wouldn’t turn up to an inquest of someone called Lily. They probably didn’t know any Lilys.

Her old friends might not remember her well enough to cry sufficiently.

Samuel Thorn might put on a good show though. Perhaps he could be the one being led out, choked with sobs.

202