She wouldn’t mind diarrhea on the plane though. The toilet was the best place anyway.

816

“Why is this curtain damp?” John asked.

“Sweat?”

“Right.”

On the stage, the manager of the Wellington Arms was trying to get the ball rolling. There was an amplified thump as he tapped the mike.

Unfunny John checked his appearance in the mirror. A dated dinner suit with the arms and legs just a bit too short. “The suit’s been hired,” went one of his jokes, “I mean I own it, it’s just been highered.”

The manager was getting frontline experience.

“Is this working?”

John couldn’t remember the manager’s name.

“Um, hi, hello, hi.”

“Yeah, it’s on, you prick,” someone shouted.

“No, I know it’s on, I’m saying hi. I’m starting. I’m welcoming you to tonight . . .”

John had met this manager twice. Once on the phone the day before yesterday, once in the flesh twenty minutes ago.

What the hell was his name? Miles? Something like that.

On the phone, Miles had said he’d had a last-minute dropout for his inaugural comedy night at the Wellington and could Unlucky John fill in.

“Unfunny John, the act’s name is Unfunny John.”

Miles apologized. He was new to the game, didn’t have a full grasp of who was who. But he’d made enquiries and was sure that Unfunny John was a who. A bona fide who.

John asked who had recommended him.

Miles said one of the other acts had tipped him off.

John asked who the other acts were.

Miles said they hadn’t exactly been confirmed but they were very, very good. Big names.

John asked Miles to name them.

Miles claimed he didn’t have the list in front of him.

John said he had a reputation to maintain and asked again who were the names.

Miles said they were pretty damn respected in the comedy community.

John had a bad vibe so he made himself unavailable for the night in question.

Miles said he hadn’t told John when the night was.

John lied and said he was in a sitcom that was taking up all his time so it didn’t matter which date it was.

Miles asked which sitcom this was.

John’s mind went blank and he didn’t answer.

Miles said if he was in a sitcom then it would really bring the punters in.

John was still groping for the name of a sitcom.

Miles said if the opening night could have a sitcom star in it he’d be prepared to offer John two hundred pounds cash for a twenty-minute slot.

John immediately accepted the sum.

Miles said at least it would help him get other comedians in.

John pointed out that Miles said he already had other comedians, big-name comedians.